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Archives for Positive Psychology

The Benefits of Acting As If

Posted by  on Friday, January 18th 2013     

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” 

~ William James

When clients come into my office, it’s usually because they want to feel better. The want to be less sad, less anxious, more self-confident, less angry. When clients say this, I often ask them what does a happy, relaxed, self-assured content person look like. How does a person who is happy walk? How does a relaxed person react to others and what specific, observable behaviours would this person display? It may take a moment but usually, my clients are able to describe the behaviours of the type of person they wish to be. Their comments are pretty concrete: These people make eye contact, they initiate conversations, they smile, they are animated and appear relaxed.

Many of us assume that change is hard, that it’s out of our reach or that to be worth anything, change should be drastic and instantaneous. Most of us want change to be a one-time shot. We want to “fix it” once and be done, but very little in life actually works this way.

Experience teaches us that it is often easier to change concrete actions or to introduce new ones, than it is to change patterns of thinking.

From this, the cognitive behavioural technique of “acting as if” was born.  The act as if technique involves defining a therapeutic goal and then acting as if that goal were already achieved. Act as if you are happy, act as if you are confident or act as if you are calm and relaxed. 

Acting as if works in a number of different ways. Instead of dwelling on the negative, which typically makes us feel worse, by acting as if things were how you would like them, it allows you to focus on the positive and takes your focus off what is missing.  It  takes your focus off yourself and puts it more on doing rather than feeling. For example, instead of relying on the concept that in order to smile, you must feel happy, why not try the behaviour of smiling  which may lead to the feeling of happiness. 

You can develop new habits by acting as if you are the way you want to be. If you want to be responsible and caring, act as if you are. If you want to be more self-confident, you can act as if you are. This may seem unnatural at first. But continuing to behave in this way will develop a new ‘script’ and patterns. You can put these into practice every day and develop healthier ways to satisfy your needs. 

What Can I Do?

  • Describe the specific goal you want to achieve.
  • Describe what you must actually do to ‘act as if’ you really want to achieve the goal. Describe these steps in great detail.

Try completing the following sentences:

  • The specific goal I want to achieve is
  • The specific things I must to act as if I really want to achieve this goal are

By listing all the observable behaviours of someone who is confident, for example, like good eye contact, walking with your head up, smiling at others, you can put these behaviors into play. You can change your behaviour until your behaviour changes your emotions and you actually do begin to feel more self-confident and happy.

In order to grow, people needed to translate their goals and aims into actions. If you can take a step towards doing this by acting as if you are the person you want to become, you can create new habits and hopefully, reap new rewards.

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How to Deal With Frenemies at Work

Posted by  on Monday, September 3rd 2012     

two women in the workplaceThe Urban Dictionary defines frenemy as “someone who is both friend and enemy, a relationship that is either mutually beneficial or interdependent while being competitive, fraught with risk and mistrust.” No matter what you do, it’s likely that you’ve experienced a frenemy in the workplace. Someone who is bent on making themselves look good at your expense.  It typically stems from a place of jealousy and it can be extremely frustrating and hurtful to be on the receiving end of such a “friendship.”

In today’s cutthroat job market, the atmosphere at work is often fraught with those trying to get ahead. One of the biggest problems with this type of jealousy and competitiveness is that you may never know where a frenemy is lurking. But remember: you are not alone. In fact in 2009, 80% of Canadian men and women were reported to having been bullied at work.

Spotting a Frenemy

A frenemy often blows hot and cold. They can be friendly and supportive one moment and cruel and calculating the next. They can alternate between championing your ideas and initiatives to undermining your confidence in any way they can.  They may take credit for your ideas, “forget” to tell you about a scheduled meeting or initiate a group lunch without inviting you.  While distinguishing a colleague as friend or frenemy may feel like a job in itself, there are some steps you can take to help protect yourself and be proactive when dealing with

Is It You?

Before you confront your co-worker about why he or she doesn’t like you, try to figure out if you are partly to blame for the issue. Are you contributing to the problems? Do you simply not like your coworker because you feel they’re more competent or do you feel that they are talking behind your back? The truth is, if your colleague senses you hate them, they’re going to hate you back. Figure out what you’ve done, if anything, before you try to make remedy the situation.

Be Professional

Once you are able to figure out what the problem is, consider how you want to handle it to make sure the conflict goes away. Letting it go and ignoring it is likely not the best option as these types of dynamics can often take on a life of their own. It’s also important to remember that you do need to remain professional at all times. Any emails or written communication can be used against you so you should never write anything you wouldn’t want broadcast around the water cooler.

Don’t Retaliate

When you’ve confirmed that a colleague has done something intolerable, like taking credit for one of your ideas, it’s tempting to respond with the same under-handed tactics like bad-mouthing the person to other colleagues. However, this type of behavior can turn a minor dispute into a major battle. Indulging in this kind of behavior at work not only makes you look petty and untrustworthy, but it also takes up time and energy that’s better spent on work.

Confront Your Frenemy

As difficult as it may be, if the frenemy has throws you under the bus, confront them. Let them know, as tactfully as possible, that you’re aware that they went behind your back and you don’t appreciate it. Many times, if you call a frenemy out on their bad behavior, they will ease up.

Create a Paper Trail

When trying to protect yourself from your frenemy at work, you should always err on the side of over communicating. If you have a conversation with your frenemy about an important task they must complete, make sure you follow up with them via email so you have a paper trail. That way, if they deny accountability should something go wrong, you have documentation to back you up.  If the relationship becomes more counterproductive, an email exchange can be referred to as opposed to a half-remembered phone call or hallway discussion. The knowledge that a record exists could prevent a would-be adversary from misrepresenting the facts in the first place.

If you work closely with your frenemy, establishing a clear division of labor can save you a lot of anxiety. Sending the frenemy an email at the beginning of a project clearly defining your individual responsibilities can prevent misunderstandings and make it much more difficult for a coworker to take advantage of you. Consider documenting your progress by sending your boss regular updates of your ideas, your frenemy’s ideas and the progress of the project.  Be sure to cc your frenemy on the email to avoid any misunderstandings on their part.

Move Forward

You may be able to work through your issues with your frenemy but if you really don’t like them, it will still be hard to work with them in the long run.  As difficult as it may be, it’s important that you deal with frenemies in a straightforward manner in order to diffuse bad feelings and create a productive environment. You might consider focusing on something else when that person is around, such as making calls when he’s nearby so you can avoid speaking to him or hearing what she has to say, since you know everything out of their mouth is likely not productive anyway.

Take the High Road

Although we all like to think that the trifling, self-indulgent behaviors we engaged in as children are left, well, back in our childhoods, unfortunately, this is usually not the case. By taking the high road when dealing with difficult people at work, you can save yourself a great deal of stress and anxiety. If you can’t deal with the situation on your own, however, consider getting your boss involved. By maintaining a professional stance and discussing the facts of the situation objectively, without emotion, you may be able to solve your frenemy problems in a positive and productive manner.

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Mindfulness for Children

Posted by  on Thursday, August 23rd 2012     

girl sitting on the grass meditatingAlthough mindfulness has only recently been embraced by Western psychology, it is an ancient practice found in a wide range of Eastern philosophies, including Buddhism, Taoism and Yoga. Mindfulness involves consciously bringing awareness to your here-and-now with openness, interest and receptiveness while focusing on your mind on the present. It’s the art of paying attention to your life on purpose, without judgment.

Mindfulness interventions have been demonstrated to be beneficial for a number of psychological and physical conditions such as chronic pain, depression, anxiety, addictions and personality disorders. It has also proven to be a powerful factor in reducing stress both in children and adults.

The ability to pay attention to your here and now is a central tenet to the practice of mindfulness and is a natural, innate human ability. Studies have shown that children as young as three can learn to turn their focus on breathing, their senses, thoughts and emotions. While much of the research about the benefits of mindfulness on health and emotional well-being has been focused on adults, new studies are showing that the benefits of practicing mindfulness with children to help them address the increased stress they are experiencing. As with adults, stress often leads to feelings of resistance, fear and anxiety. Mindfulness practice is one way to assist children in building healthy stress management skills.

Children who practice mindfulness techniques develop social and emotional intelligence, resulting in greater self-awareness, less stress, and higher levels of happiness and empathy. By using mindful breathing and focused attention to become more reflective and self-aware, children are able to gain greater emotional control. Here are a few easy ways to encourage your child to become more aware of their thoughts, their feelings and their world around them.

Mindful Walking

In our rush today to get somewhere, we often forget to take pleasure in how we get there. Even though walking is something we do every day, we often fail to notice what we pass along the way. When walking with your child, take the time each day-to-day to feel your body as you walk through the world. Ask your child to pay attention to their arms as you walk. Ask them to notice how their feet feel as they strike the ground. Encourage them to pay attention to their five senses. What sights do you see? Look for shades of color and patterns. What sounds do you hear? Taking the time to examine the texture of objects around you, trees or plants if you’re outdoors; walls or furniture if you’re indoors is a wonderful way to be in the moment with your child.

Mindful Listening

Ask your child to listen carefully for about a minute and then name five sounds she heard while being quiet. They could be someone’s footsteps down the hallway, the ticking clock on the wall or the sound of a pen scribbling on a paper. Paying even closer attention, the child is asked to notice the feelings or thoughts he had while listening. Did a lawn mower outside the window make him think of his yard at home? Did the honking horn remind him of a trip to the city?

Mindful Breathing

Have your child stop what they’re doing for a moment. Have your child take a deep breath in and slowly let the air out. With each inhale say, “In” and with each exhale say, “Out”. One breath cycle is made up of one inhale and one exhale. Have your child observe their thoughts, feelings and emotions. Notice them and then let them go.

The practice of becoming more aware of your breathing triggers the relaxation response. This results in slower breathing and increased feelings of calm. Have your child practice this for five breath cycles then repeat. Noticing your breathing is one of the fastest ways to bring your attention back to the present moment. Use this practice when your child is upset or to help the body and mind prepare for restful sleep.

Changing Channels

Just like adults, children experience these negative feelings and often they don’t know how to deal with them. By using simple mindfulness technique children can learn that they can change these negative feelings into positive ones, and be empowered to feel what they want to feel.

Start by asking your child to imagine a television set and how, when they’re watching TV, they have a remote to change the channels if they don’t like a certain program. Then tell them that they can learn to do the same thing with their own emotions. They can change their personal channels. They can feel happy or sad, grumpy or enthusiastic, worried or calm, sleepy or full of life and vigour. Ask your child to imagine a feeling of being sad. Then, by connecting their thumb to their forefinger, click as if you are clicking their own personal remote control and image something happy they’ve done, or enjoyed or want to do. Encourage them to notice how their entire body changes just by thinking about something? Teach them that they can choose what they want to feel. If they are experiencing something that they don’t enjoy, change it. Encourage them to practice changing the channels of their personal remote control.

Mindfulness can help children—and adults—shift their point of view to focus on the positive instead of the negative. By choosing to look at things that are beautiful, you can shift your awareness in a profound way. If your child is afraid, by teaching him or her to focus on the beauty of a flower, the sound of the trees and looking for the things that comfort them, you are providing them with the tools to regulate their own feelings and putting them in charge of their own experience.

 

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The Pursuit Of Happiness

Posted by  on Thursday, August 9th 2012     

woman walking on beachThe pursuit of happiness has long been thought of as one of the inalienable rights of people. However, more and more, I see people in my psychology practice who claim that the just aren’t happy and seem to have no idea how to find happiness.  There are always things in our lives that cause unhappiness and discontent, there are things that we all need, want and responsibilities we must take care of. But if we spend our time and energy focusing on the things we can’t control, the less energy we will have to focus on our inner selves and what really makes us happy.

Many of us feel that the more control we have in our lives, the happier we will be. Ironically, it is often the attempts to inappropriately control events in our lives that ultimately cause unhappiness. The use of control is paradoxical: we believe taking control will bring us security and happiness, yet by going to extremes to control your life often causes unhappiness, anxiety, and dissatisfaction.

People often replay past mistakes over and over again, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape their actions in the present. They cling to frustration, fear  and worry about the future, as if the act of obsession somehow gives them power. They hold stress in their minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm. By learning how to let go of the pain, stress and suffering we can begin to allow ourselves to learn what’s important to be stress free and happy.

LET GO OF YOUR NEED TO BE RIGHT

Many of us are so attached to the notion that we have to be right that we often end up causing those we care about much stress and even run the risk of ending great relationships. Before you dig your heals in order to prove you are right, stop and ask yourself “Is it better to be right or is it better to be happy?”

LET GO OF YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL

In life, there will always be things that we cannot control. By taking a step back and allowing the other people around you to control their own energy, you can let go of the weight and focus on your own positive energy.

LET GO OF BLAME

Many times when we’re angry, we focus on what someone else did that was wrong—which essentially giving away your power. When we focus on what we could have done better, we often feel empowered and less bitter.

LET GO OF SELF-DEPRICATING SELF-TALK

Why are we often so much more critical of ourselves than we are of others? If we can start to let go of our negative, hurtful words, and begin to show ourselves the same kindness that we often show others, we can begin to embrace a more positive and peaceful state of mind.

LET GO OF THE NEED TO IMPRESS OTHERS

Happiness comes from learning how to be happy with who you are. This won’t happen if you are always striving to be someone you’re not, just so others will like you.

LET GO OF COMPLAINING

Remember how annoying whiny kids are? Same goes for whiny adults. Nobody can make you unhappy; no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it.

LET GO OF FEAR

Fear is a product of your imagination. It occurs when we imagine the ill-fated futures that we’d hate to see become a reality. By letting go of the fear, you can begin to act on desire of what you want, rather than letting fear of the unknown continue to paralyze you.

LET GO OF OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS

Too many people are living a life that they don’t want. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them; their parents, their partners, their friends or their teachers. By trying live up to other people’s expectations we lose control over our lives. We forget what makes us happy and eventually we begin to lose ourselves.  By refusing to let other people’s opinions distract you from your path, you can begin to live the life you want for yourself.

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11 Rules For Graduates To Live By

Posted by  on Tuesday, June 26th 2012     

young man holding diplomaIt’s the time of the year when students are packing up their books, cleaning out their lockers, saying goodbye to friends and looking forward to summer fun. For those students who are graduating, whether it’s from high school or university, it can be a time of anticipation, excitement, trepidation and anxiety. Graduation brings about life altering changes. Decisions must be made and paths are forged.

At this time of both endings and beginnings, I’m going to borrow an excerpt from a book entitled “Dumbing Down our Kids” by educator Charles J. Sykes which includes a list of eleven things you did not learn in school but will directly affect your future success.  While originally a commentary on the American Public School system, these rules are bang on when trying to impart how a politically correct, feel-good society is not an actual reality and by not living by these rules you are setting yourself up for failure. So, as a tribute to our graduates, I’m reminding you of these ever important, real-life rules.

  • Rule 1: Life is not fair — get used to it!
  • Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
  • Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
  • Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
  • Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping — they called it opportunity.
  • Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
  • Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
  • Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
  • Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
  • Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
  • Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

So there you have it.  The 11 rules to live by. So congratulations to all those graduating this month. Whether it’s from pre-school, high school or college. Good luck and remember to go out there and do something remarkable!

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What The Heck Is Mindfulness?

Posted by  on Friday, April 20th 2012     

zen stacking stonesThere’s been a lot of talk about mindfulness lately, about how it helps us to be happier and more in touch with ourselves, and how more and more people are doing it. But what do we mean when we talk about mindfulness?

So What The Heck Is Mindfulness?

The Oxford dictionary defines mindfulness as “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.” One refinement it offers is “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

Most meditators define mindfulness as being aware of present moment experience in a non-reactive, non-judgmental way.

I should emphasize that mindfulness is a capacity that must be practiced and cultivated. Almost no one can be mindful all the time, and simply knowing what mindfulness is and how to practice it will not make you mindful, any more than reading all about swimming will make you a good swimmer. You have to get in the water!!

I think of mindfulness as a psychological practice, a workout for the mind, if you will. Some people think that by the time we’re adults, the circuits of our mind, or our brain, are hard-wired. But neuroscientists have discovered that this long-held belief is wrong. They now talk about “neuroplasticity,” which is the brain’s ability to create new neural connections and patterns. As one of my mindfulness teachers likes to say, “what we fire, we wire!”

The Benefits of Mindfulness

Studies show that among the many techniques for re-shaping our brain, mindfulness is amazingly effective in many different ways. Our mind becomes stronger, able to focus attention better and hold things in “working memory” longer. Stronger working memory means we can be interrupted and be able to go back to what we were doing without forgetting so much. Mindfulness improves “executive function,” which is our ability to organize thoughts and activities, prioritize tasks, manage time efficiently, and make decisions.

Studies also show that practicing mindfulness reduces stress and negative emotions like anxiety and despair and increases positive emotions like joy and contentment. It even increases kindness and compassion. From a spiritual perspective, cultivating kindness and compassion are key goals of mindfulness. The surprising thing is that even the secular practice of mindfulness achieves these results.

The other thing that mindfulness improves is our ability to know ourselves and the world around us. When we are mindful, we are more focused and less subject to misperception. We realize that our thoughts and feelings are only thoughts and feelings. They are not the truth!! When we think “I have to get out of here” or “if I fail that test, I’m dead,” we have the space in our mind to take a step back and ask ourselves “are you sure?” We may see that the only reason we think we have to leave is because of a fear that was unconsciously triggered. When we see what’s really going on, we realize we are in no danger. We are masters of the situation, not slaves to our thoughts and feelings.

Where To Start

The starting point for practicing mindfulness is sitting meditation, because for most people that’s the easiest place from which to watch our body and mind. Sitting meditation allows us to charge up our mindfulness batteries. In time, we can be mindful in activities that are more and more challenging.

Our level of mindfulness is always dependent on what’s going on inside and around us in any given moment. We cannot control how mindful we are in the present moment, but we can cultivate mindfulness so that it’s more and more likely that we can be the master of any given moment.

When people first start meditating, first start watching their mind, usually the thing they notice is how wild and crazy their mind is. It’s a stream of consciousness that seems to have a mind of its own! Many people are quite disconcerted that they have so little control over their mind, so little ability to prevent it from wandering. But that’s the human condition. When you see what’s going on, you also see the tremendous potential of training your mind.

You start to become more aware of the impact of your thoughts, speech and actions on both yourself and others. You see when you’re hurting yourself and, over time, you hurt yourself less. You also see that when you hurt others, you don’t feel good. And when you help others, you feel great! That’s why mindfulness practice inevitably leads to an increase in kindness and compassion. When you experience the visceral results of your actions, you see that your happiness is linked to the happiness of those around you.

It’s not an all or nothing thing, by any stretch. Even after I see my reactions and their impact, I don’t just stop reacting. But I have noticed that, slowly, slowly, I am changing. I am going in a good direction. Ain’t life grand?

 

Laurie Arron practices mindfulness in the tradition of Vietnamese Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, and is currently a facilitator with the meditation group True Peace Toronto. He has worked in the fields of business, law, political advocacy and green energy. Follow his writings on his blog

 

 

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Thirty Ways To Tell Your Child You Love Them

Posted by  on Wednesday, April 18th 2012     

note from mom Life is busy. In the process of running between work, school and extra-curricular activities, we can sometimes forget how fast our children grow up. One minute they’re toddlers clinging to our legs begging us not to go out for the evening and the next minute they’re moody teenagers grabbing their car keys on the way out the door. In the midst of the hustle and bustle, it’s easy to forget to tell your children how much you love them. It doesn’t take much. Sometimes just an impromptu hug will do. Here are 30 ways to show your children you love them.

  1. Leave a note in your child’s lunchbox telling them how much you love them.
  2. Stop what you’re doing and listen to your child when he or she talks to you.
  3. Kneel down and look your child in the eye when they speak to you.
  4. Make a date with your child and keep it. Just the two of you.
  5. Tell your child about the day they were born and how special that day was to you.
  6. Take note of the great things your child does and make sure to comment on them.
  7. Choose a secret word, sign or gesture that only you and your child know to use in public to say I love you.
  8. Ask for their advice and take it.
  9. Praise all their efforts.
  10. Climb into bed with your child instead of just tucking them in. Sometimes the best conversations happen at bedtime.
  11. Have a dessert-first dinner.
  12. Kidnap your child and take them on an outing.
  13. Make them breakfast in bed.
  14. Have a movie night and let them pick the movie.
  15. Brag about your kids in public and make sure they overhear you.
  16. Sneak little gifts under their pillow.
  17. Put the music on and dance with your child.
  18. Establish family traditions, like birthday breakfast in bed or Tuesday spaghetti night.
  19. Ask your child about their day and ask questions when they tell you about it.
  20. Bake together.
  21. Be affectionate with your child.
  22. Be excited when they walk in the door.
  23. Share their baby book with them.
  24. Tell them how wonderful it is to be their parent.
  25. Display their artwork on your wall.
  26. Celebrate all of their accomplishments.
  27. Ask your child to teach you something.
  28. Tell them you’re sorry when you’re wrong.
  29. Make and keep promises
  30. Tell Them you love them. Often.
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When It’s Okay To Quit

Posted by  on Thursday, April 5th 2012     

For most of us, we were taught early on the value of persistence and the benefits of sticking to something until its completion. It’s human nature to be persistent. Whether it’s finishing a boring book, staying too long in a failing relationship or continuing a path in school that no longer interests you, people will often stick with the failing venture for far longer than they should in order to justify their original decision and the time, effort and money that has already been invested into it.

There’s a psychological explanation for it. It’s called “the escalation of commitment to a failing course of action.”

 

We live in a world that often penalizes those who change their minds or correct a mistake or course of action. They’re called wishy-washy, irresponsible, indecisive or unstable. For many, quitting a course of action creates feelings of failure and incompetence. Sayings like “quitters never win, and winners never quit” have always been commonplace. But is quitting always the wrong decision? What if quitting means that you now have more information about something and that it’s not really taking you in the place you want to be? What if quitting is actually the right decision? 

The ability to re-evaluate your position, thoughts or feelings should be seen as a positive attribute, not a weakness. By saying you were wrong and that you no longer feel the same way or that the path you have chosen no longer makes you happy can actually be a positive step in the investment you make in yourself. But how do you know the difference between quitting because you’re lazy, scared or unmotivated and quitting because you’re putting yourself and your emotional well-being first?

There are always times when you should tough it out, when the hard-work and sacrifice will lead to results that will take you closer to the place you want to be.  For most of us, making decisions involves learning from what we are doing and make corrections to our path as needed. We do this at work, at school and often in relationships. But how do we know when enough is enough. How do we recognize when it not only OKAY to quit, it’s actually the right decision? Here are some guidelines to help you decide when to quit and when to tough it out:

  •  When reality doesn’t match to your expectations: We all make decisions based on the information we have in the moment. It’s possible, and even likely, that when you start down one path and gain more knowledge along the way, you will recognize that the path you’ve chosen isn’t for you. That ok. No decision is ever made in stone.
  • When you’ve outgrown a belief, idea or value: The ideas and values you have in college aren’t’ necessarily the same ones you will have 5, 10 or 5 years later. It’s often a struggle to let go of strongly held beliefs but even as adults, you are still growing and changing. What worked for you then may not work for you now.
  • When the timing is wrong: Sometimes the decision or path may be the right one but the timing is wrong, like deciding to go back to school when you’ve just had a new baby or starting a new relationship when you’re being transferred to Beijing.
  • When continuing on a certain path will lead to emotional distress: There will always be times when you don’t want to go to work or school. But when it’s a daily occurrence and work or school or some other venture is continuously causing you to feel emotionally depleted and distressed, it’s important to really ask yourself whether you are on the right path.
  • When quitting is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself: There will always be times when you need to evaluate the percentage of time you are happy in a certain endeavor and the percentage of times you are unhappy. While there will always be times in whatever choices you make when you will struggle, when the bad times far outweigh the good times, it’s time to make a change.

Despite how you look at things, quitting is not always a bad option. Sometimes walking away from one choice, relationship, program or project is actually a move toward something positive that will help you to be the best and most fulfilled person you can be.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ~ W.C. FIELDS

 

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How Music Affects Our Memories, Moods and Minds

Posted by  on Monday, March 19th 2012     

baby listening to musicHave you even been driving in your car, listening to the radio and a certain song comes on that takes you immediately back to a particular time and place that means something to you? Music can affect our moods, motivate you to exercise, boost your immune system, increase performances on tests, reduce the impact of stress, fight fatigue and increase productivity.  Researchers have found that music is an important influence on how we create memories and that people often associate songs with emotions, events, people and places in our past.  It helps to preserve events in your mind and has a far-reaching on how we react to music in the future.

I Wish I Was An Oscar Meyer Wiener

When we think about memory, we often agree that it is greatly impacted by all of our senses, but perhaps the greatest memory trigger is the sound of music. If can induce specific feelings and reactions and bring us back to the childhood memories we may have otherwise forgotten. One of the best examples of how music can trigger our memories is through commercial jingles. Jingles usually incorporate important information into the tunes in a simple and repetitive way that consumers are sure to remember.

Conjunction Junction

Music and rhythm can also enhance our ability to recall necessary information. Children’s shows are notorious for teaching memorization skills through music, the alphabet song, the multiplication tables, even the year Columbus sailed the ocean blue. In the 1970s, a musical program called Schoolhouse Rock helped millions of US children recall facts and figures about all areas of grammar, science, US history, math and money.  Nowadays, no matter where you are, if you start to sing “Conjunction Junction,” I’m sure plenty of adults over the age of 40 would stand up and join in. The power of music is that strong.

The Mozart Effect

The idea that music makes you smarter has been studied time and again. While it was once thought that listening to classical music, particularly Mozart, would enhance and infant’s ability to learn and would improve school children’s performance on tests, this theory has not been proved to the satisfaction of the scientific community. However, studies have shown that music does promote a reduction in stress and an increase in positive mood that will make it more likely to retain new information learned, so it may be said that, in a way, music can enhance your ability to learn new information.

Studies have also shown that in Alzheimer’s patients, and those experiencing dementia, music therapy has increased their ability to recall memories and improve cognitive functioning.  The reason postulated is that when you listen to songs you are familiar with, it stimulates the hippocampus, the area of the brain that controls long-term storage. This makes it easier to pull out relevant memories you made while listening to a particular song.

Therefore, even though the Mozart-effect has never been proven, the idea that forming a new memory with music, and then using the same music again later to recall the memory still seems to be a sound idea. If you’re having trouble remembering something, you might have better luck if you play the same music you were listening to when you first made the memory in the first place.

Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

In addition to the effects of music on our ability to learn, recall and retain new information, music also has a powerful impact on our emotional well-being.  Music can pump you up when you’re exercising, it can boost a team’s spirit before the big game and it can decrease feelings of anxiety, stress and depression.  Music has the ability to change the emotional and physical status of people, whether they’re in a good mood, bad mood or sad mood. Music has an impact on every aspect of our daily lives. Imagine watching a movie with no soundtrack. Without music, there would be no suspense, horror or excitement. Music can make you cry and it can make you feel energized when you’re tired.

We all know from experience how much music can affect both our memories and our emotions. In fact, music has such a profound impact on our mind and body that there is a growing field of health care known as music therapy.  Those who practice music therapy have found positive effects when working with those experiencing chronic pain, ADHD, depression, cancer and dementia. Music Therapy shouldn’t only be used in a therapeutic setting, however. Adding a positive soundtrack to your life, you can promote, restore and maintain a sense of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What’s on your life’s play list?

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The Mind/Body Connection and How It Affects Your Health

Posted by  on Friday, March 16th 2012     

woman doing yoga on the beachThe presence of the mind/body connection and its impact on health has long been debated among experts. In the 1800s, many doctors believed that our emotions were linked to disease and often prescribed visits to spas or seaside resorts to remedy the “ill-humors” that lead to illness. As time passed, and the advent of microbiology highlighted the role that toxins and bacteria played in causing illness, the role emotions played in physical health took its place on the back burner.

In recent years, however, the link between emotional and physical health has come into the spotlight again. New forms of treatment, such as mediation, yoga, biofeedback and guided imagery are emerging as ways of improving emotional health to increase physical health. Many practitioners now recognize that psychological factors can play a major role in illnesses like heart disease, chronic pain and arthritic conditions.

Most people today can attest to the fact that when they experience stress, sadness or anxiety, they feel a disruption in their emotional health that often leads to a disintegration of their physical health. Poor emotional health can weaken your immune system, making it more likely to get colds or other viruses during emotionally difficult times. But how do emotions affect your health and what can you do to increase the positive energy in order to maintain a positive outlook that, in turn, will help maintain your physical health?

Think Positive

Studies have shown that people who maintain a positive outlook appear to have healthier immune systems, live longer and recover better from medical procedures. Scientific investigation indicates that we produce cortisol in response to stress and emotional turmoil. There is the suggestion is that optimism leads to a lower cortisol levels and, therefore, better reactions to stress.

Stress is inevitable. We all experience stress and our bodies respond through hormones. When we are able to maintain a healthy and positive outlook, our bodies will respond to the stress, process it and then return to their normal state. When the stress is chronic and ongoing, our bodies suffer and can’t seem to repair itself as easily and the stress can lead to headaches, digestive issues, high blood pressure, and even stroke. Stress can prolong healing, affect our body’s immune system, impact on memory and learning and have other negative effects on your health.

Improving Your Emotional Health

By recognizing your emotions and understanding what is causing of your feelings of sadness, stress or anxiety and you will likely be more effective at managing your emotional health. The following steps can ensure that you are able to maintain a more positive outlook on life, reduce your cortisol levels and, therefore, improve your body’s resilience and reaction to emotional distress, when it happens.

Become Self Aware

The first step in developing a positive outlook is to become self-aware. By recognizing your emotions and why you feel the way you do, you will be more able to help sort the negative feelings and the causes behind them.

Learn to Express Your Feelings in Appropriate Ways

If feelings of sadness, stress and anxiety are affecting your ability to function effectively, keeping your feelings hidden from others can exacerbate the negative feelings and make you feel worse. Leaning on your support system, talking to your friends and family or a helping professional can help you gain perspective and insight into what you are experiencing. By expressing your feeling and understanding why you may be feeling the way you are, you are more able to look for steps to fix the negative situation.

Finding Balance

As adults, we often become adept at juggling many part of our lives like work, family, school and friends. By recognizing what your priorities are, and staying true to what’s really important to you, you may be able to let go of the negative feelings that often arise over the desire to feel like you need to be everything to everyone, which ends up causing feelings of resentment and exhaustion. Focus on your goals and priorities with a positive outlook and take joy in the company of friends and family.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

We all experience irritation at the little things that happen in our lives by trying to maintain a positive outlook and learning how to let go of any negative feelings that you experience as a result of problems in your life, you will be calmer, more balanced and better able to deal with any negative situations that arise. By maintaining a positive outlook and finding the joy in everyday things, you have the chance to improve the quality of your life and give your health a boost.

Develop a Thick Skin

People with a resilient spirit are better able to deal with stress. Resilience can be developed in different ways. By having a strong support network of family and friends, by keeping a positive view of yourself and your accomplishments, by reacting well to change and by keeping things in perspective you will be more successful in managing the stress in your daily life.

Put Your Body First

While good emotional health is important, taking good physical care of yourself is also key to being healthy. Eating well, getting enough sleep, abstaining from smoking, alcohol or drugs and maintaining a healthy lifestyle will also have a positive effect on your state of mind. When you feel good in your body, you feel good in your mind.

Finding Your Happy Place

For some, relaxation, meditation, yoga and guided imagery are effective techniques for letting go of stress and bringing balance and focus back into your life. For others, exercise, listening to music, drawing or reading provides that necessary regeneration of the spirit. By learning how to deal with emotional and mental difficulties and stress, you can help prevent the negative physical manifestations they produce. By following the step towards mind-body connection, you will keep yourself healthy, both in body and mind.

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