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Archives for Marital Issues

Finding Out Your Spouse Is Gay

Posted by  on Thursday, June 21st 2012     

couple sitting on couch with their backs to each otherIn a healthy relationship, trust means everything: the ability to share your true thoughts and feelings and to communicate your needs and wants.  Secrets in a relationship are a betrayal of that belief and trust you have in your spouse. But what if you discover the secret your partner has been hiding is the fact that they are gay?

This phenomenon is actually more common than many people think.  Statistics indicate that nearly 4 million women in the United States are or have been married to a gay man. In almost all cases, the women were unaware that their husbands were gay at the time of the marriage. Nevertheless, when it happens to you, you may feel like your whole world has been turned upside down. You may feel hurt, shame, devastation, guilt and even repulsion. You may feel that your whole relationship was built on a set of lies.

Finding out your partner is gay makes you question everything about your relationship; was your partner ever attracted to you? Did they ever really love you and want the same things in life that you did? In fact, many partners who are coming to terms with their homosexuality are asking themselves the same questions.  The answers, of course, depend on whether the partner knew they were homosexual and tried to repress the feelings and attractions or whether they didn’t know they were gay at the time of the marriage.

Coming to terms with your own sexuality is always a very personal process. It’s more than just an awareness of attraction to the opposite sex. It often involves confusion, some denial and repression, anxiety, grief and eventually acknowledgement and self-acceptance. This process can take a little time or a lot of time depending on one’s family, religious beliefs and support system. It may happen early in life or later on, after marriage and children. People who come out late, often have a steeper hill to climb in creating a new life and gaining acceptance among family and friends.

There are many key issues facing a straight spouse:

  • Damaged self-esteem
  • Feelings of sexual rejection
  • Hurt at the betrayal
  • Anger at your partner
  • Dealing with feelings of shame and guilt and fear
  • Fear of having your family torn apart
  • Fear of telling your children
  • Fear of the marriage dissolving

Despite the initial instinct to isolate yourself, it’s imperative that you don’t. Your family is in crisis and it may be best to seek support of family and friends and even professional help. As difficult as it may be, it may also be helpful to begin counseling with your spouse in order to both come through this process in as healthy a position as possible, whether it’s as friends, partners or simply co-parents.

Remembering to take care of yourself is critical as well. Accept that you are going through a grieving process. Even if you decide to stay in your marriage, it will not be the same marriage as it was before the discovery. While the trauma can seem overwhelming at first always keep in mind that this was not your fault. No one can “turn” someone gay. It takes two to make a marriage and one spouse cannot save it alone. Some couples stay married, some don’t. The healthiest steps to take, however, include moving forward, letting go of the anger and a willingness to forgive.

 

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The Signs of An Abusive Relationship

Posted by  on Monday, May 7th 2012     

man's fist, woman coweringI was watching Glee with my 12-year-old daughter yesterday. One theme running through the episode was domestic violence. After the episode, my daughter asked me why Coach Beiste couldn’t just leave her husband if he hit her. A very valid question with a very complicated answer. When someone hits you, why can’t you just walk away?

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of race, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, marital status or education level. Domestic abuse occurs when one person in an intimate relationship tries to dominate or control the other person, either by physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological means.

Why Don’t You Leave?

To those on the outside, it can seem very simple. If someone you love hits you, you need to get up and leave. But the real answer is much more complicated. People experiencing domestic violence or abuse are often isolated because they feel ashamed, scared and reluctant or embarrassed to ask for help. There are many reasons why an abused person doesn’t leave:

  • Denial of the reality of the problem
  • Hope that their partner will stop
  • Shame and embarrassment
  • Isolation from friends and family
  • Guilt
  • Financial reasons
  • Fear
  • Children
  • Spiritual or religious reasons
  • Traumatic bonding with their abuser

Domestic abuse often escalates from verbal threats to actual physical violence and while the physical injuries may be the most outwardly obvious signs, the emotional consequences of living in an abusive relationship can be far more paralyzing. An emotionally abusive relationship can destroy your self-esteem, your self-worth and lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, helplessness and hopelessness. The first step, and often the hardest step, is recognizing that there is a problem. Once that realization takes place, you can begin the process of getting help.

Signs of An Abusive Relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship but the first and foremost sign is if you are afraid of your partner. If you feel that you have to constantly walk on eggshells around your partner, if you are constantly afraid of their temper, that they will unexpectedly blow up at something you say or do, it is likely that you are in an unhealthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, your partner does not belittle you, make you feel small or inferior and use words that hurt. In trying to decide if you are in an abusive relationship, please ask yourself these questions:

  • Am I afraid of my partner most of the time?
  • Do I avoid certain conversations topics because I know it might set my partner off?
  • Do I feel that I can never do anything right?
  • Does my partner use words that hurt and humiliate me?
  • Does my partner get angry when I make plans that don’t include them?
  • Does my partner threaten me – by taking my children away, by threatening to hurt or kill me, by threatening to commit suicide if I leave?
  • Does my partner force me to have sex with them?
  • Does my partner keep me from seeing friends or family?
  • Does my partner blame me for their anger?

The more questions you answer yes to, the more likely it is that you are in an unhealthy, abusive relationship. One of the most important things to remember is that despite what many people think, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control in anger. It is, in fact, a deliberate choice made by the abuser to control you. Often, the abuser will pick and choose who to abuse. People often justify staying with their partner by examining their behavior in other situations, like at family gatherings or community functions. They rarely lash out in public and are often seen by the others as friendly and respected members of the community. They are able to stop their abusive behavior when it suits them.

If you are being abused, please remember that you are not to blame for being hit or mistreated. You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior and that you and your children deserve to be treated with respect. You are not alone. Even if the risks of leaving an abusive relationship are great, the risk of staying can far outweigh the risk of leaving. There are many resources available for battered women and children, including hotlines, shelters, legal services, childcare and even job training. You deserve to live free of fear. Please start by reaching out for help.

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How to Let Go of Your Anger

Posted by  on Tuesday, March 13th 2012     

letting sand run out of your handWe’ve all had times in our lives when we’ve been hurt by someone else, either intentionally or accidentally. I’m sure we can all pinpoint a time when trust has been broken, confidences have been betrayed and we’ve felt taken advantage of.  In the course of relationships, this is inevitable.  However, while the initial pain and anger we feel at these times is normal, holding on to anger, reliving the pain over and over again, only serves to affect how we relate to others in the future. When we are caught up in the cycle of anger, it becomes difficult to open ourselves up to new experiences and it clouds our ability to move on and be happy.

Forgive and Forget

As children, we are often taught to forgive and forget. It seems simple enough but in reality, letting go of anger and resentment is not an easy process. When trying to start the process, it’s critical to remember that forgiving and forgetting are two separate steps.

Generally, forgiveness is a conscious decision to let go of the anger and resentment and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility in hurting you, nor are you going to forget that it happened. You are simply making a decision not to let that act continue to affect your life. You can forgive someone without excusing the act. For many, forgiveness and letting go of the anger and resentment can bring a kind of peace that helps you move forward with other, more positive, aspects of your life.

Why Should I Forgive?

Letting go of the anger makes room for an inner peace and kindness to move into your life. It can lead to a reduced stress level, less anxiety, strain and hostility and it can increase your sense of well-being, leading to healthier and more satisfying relationships.

By holding on to the anger, the resentment that it produces often moves into each and every relationship and new experience you have. Many people find that they become so wrapped up in the bitterness that their life begins to lack meaning and purpose, causing a lack of connectedness to others. Being angry clouds your ability to understand what your real needs are and your ability to effectively meet those needs, whether it’s through relationships with others or simply knowing what you need to make yourself happy.

The Process of Letting Go

  1. Recognize the true effects of your anger: Nelson Mandela said that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.” It is often believed that if you stay angry with the other person, they will, somehow, feel that anger and it will “serve them right.” However, chances are that the person you are angry with has gone on with their lives and hasn’t given you a second thought. It’s important to recognize that when you hold on to the anger, you are often the only one who suffers.
  2. The best revenge: In life, the greatest revenge you can have over those who have hurt you is to live positive and productive lives. Anger hinders this process and makes it impossible for you to move on. By letting go of the anger, you are ensuring that you are more likely to be happy and content in the future, despite what happened in the past.
  3. Forgiveness is not acceptance: When you forgive someone, you are not accepting his or her negative behavior. Even if you need to continue to interact with that person, there is no reason why you need to trust them. By recognizing the limitations of others, you can determine the role, if any, that person will play in your lives.
  4. Recognizing that forgiveness is a benefit we accord to ourselves, and not to others: By offering forgiveness even when the offender isn’t repentant you are choosing to value yourself and your mental health over anger.
  5. Maintain perspective: While the actions of others can be hurtful to you and your immediate surroundings, often, the rest of the world isn’t even unaware of what happened. By taking your anger out on those not directly involved, like your spouse, children or friends, you are only causing further resentment and bitterness in these relationships, which is unlikely to cause any difficulties for the actual target of your anger.
  6. Recognize what you can and can’t change: While we all have control over our behavior, our actions and our thoughts, we have absolutely no control over anyone else. We cannot force someone to accept responsibility for his or her actions, nor can we use our anger to instigate a change. By recognizing this fact, we can actually focus on the things in our life that we DO have control over and make positive changes and choices that make it easier to see the beauty, kindness and love around you.
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11 Steps To Better Communication

Posted by  on Thursday, February 23rd 2012     

man and woman with their backs to each otherEveryone gets upset once in a while. Even in healthy relationships, people disagree and argue. Time and time again, it has been shown that the way couples argue can determine whether or not they are likely to separate. What steps can you take to ensure that you the small outbursts don’t turn into full-blown fights and how to do make sure that when you do argue, you are fighting fair.

Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They are between two individuals who each bring a set of issues, values, emotional difficulties, expectations and communication styles into the mix. While many people believe that when they are talking to their partner, they are communicating, if you’re not able to talk to them about the deeper underlying issues, it can make or break a relationship.

By learning how to both speak to your partner and, more importantly, knowing when listen, you can ensure that your relationship stays on track.

Practice Effective Communication

  1. Practice Good Listening Skills: When you’re upset, it’s normal to feel like you have to defend yourself and often, you have a multitude of things swirling around in your head. As hard as it may be, it often helps to stop and really, really listen to what your partner is saying. Practicing a communication technique called reflection (repeating back what your partner has just said to you) can help ensure that you understand what your partner needs you to. It shouldn’t however, be done in a mocking or patronizing tone.
  2. Be honest about your feelings: By practicing honesty, we often make ourselves vulnerable to your partner. This can be especially difficult during a disagreement but by being as open and honest about what you are feeling, and what your needs are, you are far more likely to actually get your needs met. As much as we wish it were so, your partners cannot read your mind. Tell them what you need, openly and honestly.
  3. Stay focused on the here and now: Sometimes, when a simple discussion, morphs into a disagreement and then a full-blown argument, it’s easy to bring up past arguments and behaviours to try to make your point. It can seem satisfying to get that cheap shot in or bring up what happened 5 years ago but it will not help in the long run. Try to keep your argument on topic, be respectful and stay away from the words “you always” and “you never.”
  4. Pay attention to your emotions: It’s hard to stay focused and rational when you feel that your emotions are getting the better of you. If you feel that you are becoming too emotionally charged to reasonably make yourself heard and to convey what your needs are and be willing to listen to your partner, it may be worthwhile to excuse yourself for a moment to gather yourself before continuing the argument. This should not be seen as running away, rather as a way to regroup, refocus and recharge before resuming the process.
  5. Be ready to cede an argument: One of the most important steps in improving communication with your partner is knowing when to pick your battles. When I was young, my mother always asked me whether it’s better to right or to be happy. Sound advice on all levels. It’s exhausting to argue over every little thing. Sometimes, it really doesn’t matter who arrived first or whose responsibility it was to close the garage. Sometimes, conceding to something, even when you feel you are right, will get you farther in the long run, because instead of fighting, you can have that quiet romantic dinner with your partner.
  6. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes: It’s easy to get caught up in our own needs and wants and perhaps the most difficult part of being in a relationship is getting rid of the selfishness and putting your partner first.
  7. Learn how to compromise: We try to teach our children that they need to learn to share and to compromise. It’s still good advice as adults. It may be painful at first, but it will pay off in the end, as long as one spouse isn’t always the one to give in.
  8. Own what’s yours: Taking responsibility for what’s yours is a strength, not a weakness. Sharing the responsibility of a conflict can go a long way in diffusing the situation and it sets a good example and helps lead you to a mutual understanding and solution.
  9. Know your triggers: We all have things that push our buttons and often, our triggers come from patterns in our childhood. By learning what your triggers are and what your partner’s triggers are, you can both try to take steps to respect the triggers and avoid them.
  10. Be aware of body language: Trying to maintain eye contact, keep a neutral body stance and tone of voice. Using positive touch when possible, such as laying your hand on their arm or sitting next to them, can diffuse a tense situation.
  11. Play nice: Even when you are in a disagreement, it’s critical that you both play nice. Be respectful, genuine, avoid name-calling and insults. Talk about specific behaviours, rather than personality issues. Use “I” statements, talk about your feelings, and remember to breathe, take a moment if you need to and to choose your timing wisely. And as difficult as it may be, stay calm.

Being a good communicator is difficult and nobody can be a perfect communicator all the time. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride. If you are getting stuck in the same arguments, consider relationship counselling as a way of giving both you and your partner the support you need to communicate better and feel emotionally closer. You don’t need to figure it all out by yourself.

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