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Learning to Say No: How Raise Responsible Children

Posted by  on Tuesday, September 11th 2012     

family doing chores togetherIn today’s world of surplus, where 6 year olds have cell phones and teens are given cars without having to work for them, many children are growing up with a strong (and unhealthy) sense of entitlement. For various reasons, many of today’s parents feel they have to go all-out for their children, whether it’s for birthday parties, vacations, holidays, or by providing them with the newest and most expensive toys and gadgets.

Why do parents do this?  Perhaps out of a sense of competition with other parents, guilt or wanting to provide their children with what they didn’t have growing up. My guess is that their actions have more to do with what’s going on inside of them rather than what their children may need or expect.  Whatever the reasons, it can lead children to develop an entitlement mindset. When they head out into the real world, this sense of entitlement can leave young adults unprepared for the challenges they will undoubtedly face as adults.

In reality, I often find myself struggling with these same issues. It’s difficult to balance my desire to give my kids everything, with my knowledge that if I make my daughters work for what they want, they will recognize the value of things and get to feel that sense of satisfaction when they achieve their goals. It’s also partly for selfish reasons. I hate saying no to my girls. I do want them to have everything they want and while there is one part of me that knows this really isn’t in their best interest (or in my financial reality), there’s another part that feels awful every time I say no.

I grew up in a middle class family.  While my parents weren’t wealthy, they did provide my younger brother and me with what we needed. We always had new clothes for school; we were able to go to camp in the summer and a family trip to Florida each year to visit my grandparents.  Not as much as some but definitely more than others.  I remember times when I wanted what my friends had and I was told no. When I went on some of the same school trips as my friends, I had to work to earn the money to go.  When I wanted to borrow the car as a teenager, I was the one who got up at 5 am to drive my dad to the airport when he traveled for business so I could use his car.  As an adult looking back, I can honestly say that I don’t feel I was deprived in any way. When it all comes down to it, my parents gave my brother and I the really important things – love, discipline, stability and their time.

I’ll always cherish the memories of my childhood. I remember my dad taking us to the airport to watch planes take off. I remember family cook-outs and picnics with friends in the summer and I remember skating outside in the winter. Birthdays were always celebrated with a cake and singing. As a matter of fact, I remember that each special occasion was celebrated with cake and lots of singing. And photographs. My mom took pictures about everything.  A good thing too, since now I can look back with my girls and laugh at all the memories. The fact is, when you have children, you can create memories they will cherish for the rest of their lives without showering them with lavish gifts or events or toys.

As a psychologist, I know that the whole point of parenting is to gradually prepare a child to deal with the challenges of life as an adult. Giving kids everything they want not only doesn’t prepare them, it does quite the opposite. It keeps them from learning how to earn things through hard work, sweat and tears. In reality, many parents who had it rough when they were kids often don’t appreciate what those struggles did for them. They often compensate for this with a misguided strategy of giving their children everything they ask for. This may meet the child’s short term needs; along with the parent’s need for being the “hero,”  but it does little to teach a child about responsibility and accountability.

As a mom, saying no is often overwhelming and guilt provoking.  When the guilt of saying no gets the best of me, I take a deep breath and try to remind myself of what’s important.  I try to remember that as a mom, the most important things I want my girls to take with them from their childhood are their positive memories. Memories of a family life filled with music, laughter and love.

It takes a great effort, but I try to remember that by saying no to my girls, by making them earn toys and privileges, I am making them stronger and more resilient.  I remind myself that in reality, the most important need that every child has is to feel loved, valued and understood. If I can meet those needs in my children, they will be better equipped to handle both the difficulties and successes in life. And that’s what being a good mom all is about, right?

Posted with permission from Ali Goldfield – Freelance Writer

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Why Diet Should Be A Four Letter Word

Posted by  on Tuesday, July 3rd 2012     

This post is re-posted with permission from Second Act Consignment Dancewear.

I was surfing the web today and came upon a book entitled “Maggie Goes on a Diet.” My heart sank. As a therapist and the mother of two girls who dance competitively, I have always been very aware of the issues surrounding body image and weight. While I do believe that childhood obesity is a serious issue, to create a book whose premise is that by losing weight, Maggie is transformed from an insecure overweight girl to a normal sized soccer star is unsettling.

As a dance mom, the issue of a positive lifestyle, healthy eating habits and taking care of your body have often been discussed in our household. I try to focus on how and why to make healthy food choices, why we need to stay active and when (due to strains and injuries) we need to rest and take care of our bodies. Not once in our discussions has the words diet come into the conversation. I believe that Maggie Goes on a Diet, which is, in fact, aimed at 4-8 year olds, sends the wrong message. It implies that if you lose weight, you will be happier, more self-confident and popular. I feel that this is the exact opposite message that I want my daughters, who are already bombarded by negative messages in the media, to hear.

I agree that childhood obesity is epidemic. One in three North American children is overweight or obese. But to aim a book at 4-8 year olds that deigns to use the word “diet” is not the answer. Counting calories and pursuing weight loss is for not appropriate for children. Eating disorders often begin with diets and inadequate nourishment during critical growth stages. Although not all children are predisposed to anorexia, bulimia or other eating disorders, the best prevention tool we have is making sure young people are neither encouraged to nor allowed to diet. Instead, parents should be modeling healthy eating habits, teaching their children how to make healthy food choices, engaging in fun family fitness and helping their children focus on their strengths and skills instead of their looks.

What do you think?

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category: Adolescents, blog, Children, Eating Disorders, In My Opinion, Parenting
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How To Find Your Passion

Posted by  on Tuesday, February 21st 2012     

In reading the many, many articles about finding your passion and making a living doing what you love, it can be really frustrating for those who either don’t know what their passion is or feel that they can’t really make a living following their dreams.  In my opinion, finding your passion isn’t really about finding a profession that you love and making a life choice to follow that dream, although it would be nice to be able to do what you love every day.  In truth, I think we all have things that we are passionate about, and that with this passion, we can make the other parts of our lives work for us.

Purpose and Passion

Purpose and passion are two words on which I believe people place a great deal of weight. We make the words heavy, mysterious and a bit too serious.  Purpose isn’t some magical ideal that needs to be found or else you’ll live a half-life. Purpose is about finding your true authentic self and setting goals to live in a way that honors those goals and ideals.  Similarly, passion is also misunderstood.  Many people believe that in finding their passion, they will feel an intensity and fervor about each thing that they do, every minute of their lives.  True passion can also feel like a rightness.  A soft “yes” when you think about what makes you tick.

Don’t Get Caught Up In The Shoulds

In trying to establish what our purpose and passions are, we are often put up our own roadblocks, about what is possible, our past failures and making decisions on what seems the “right thing to do.”  We mistakenly think that our passion and our purpose need to be something that other’s find socially acceptable.  We get caught up in the “shoulds.”  You “should” finish this program, you “should” take that new job.  With the shoulds, it makes us second guess both our purpose and our passion.   But how do you find what you’re passionate about and incorporate that into your life?

Practice Good Self-Care

For many people, the start of finding your true passion is to practice good self-care. Listen to your body, spend time with yourself and nurture your spirit.  Taking the time to think of what’s important to you and what you actually like to do, regardless of what others think.  Become aware of your surroundings, explore your environment and take note of what excites you. It may be something you can translate into a career or it may just be recognizing the true joy you get spending time with your children or reading a good book.

Go Back To Your Childhood

What did you love to do as a child? Think about what your favorite activities were and how they made you feel.  If you had a passion for dance or art when you were young, try taking classes as an adult. Go back and re-read some of your favourite books. Staying true to who you were and are is a great way to discover what your purpose needs to be for YOU.

Baby Steps

Instead of rushing headfirst into a discovering what your purpose and passion are, try take small steps when you embark on the journey of self-discovery.  Finding your passion can be a series of small yeses and no’s that help steer you in the right direction. If you feel resistance on your journey, stop for a moment and dig a bit deeper to see what’s blocking your way. What makes something feel like a yes versus a no.

Don’t Be Afraid To Take A Risk

There comes a point when we have to stop thinking about what we love and actually do something about it. Go ahead and challenge your fears and step out of your comfort zone.  Get the support of friends and family and remember that nothing is ever written in stone. If you try something and realize it isn’t what you love to do, stop, regroup and start again. You’ll be happy you did.

When you are able to find your purpose, and the things in life that you are passionate about, you may be able to translate them into a career choice and you may not. But with the newfound sense of purpose, you will be able to experience a joy and peace in your life that will permeate into all other parts of your life, allowing you to feel truly fulfilled.

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category: General, In My Opinion, Positive Psychology
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Is Your Child Bubble Wrapped?

Posted by  on Saturday, February 4th 2012     
child wrapped in bubble wrap

Bubble Wrap Kid

There’s a new show on television called Bubble Wrap Kids. The premise is that while all parents worry about their children, some parents are so over-protective that they are stifling their children’s growth and development. But are these parents right to worry? Is the world we live in so much more different from the one we grew up in that children require a parents to bubble wrap them to stay safe?

Helicopter Parents

Studies have long shown that having overly protective parents is often associated with children becoming more dependant, neurotic and susceptible to a host of other, less desirable traits. The term helicopter parent, coined in the 90s by Jim Fay and Foster Cline, used the term helicopter parents to refer to parents who hover over their children in an effort to keep them safe and protect them from experiencing disappointment, failure or harm. These parent often take the role of protector, problem solver, advocate for their child, even when that child leaves for college.

In Bubble Wrap Kids, Lenore Skenazy, who made headlines in 2008 when she let her 9-year-old son ride the New York subway on his own, tries to encourage parents to give their child the freedom they need to grow into self-sufficient teens and adults. And while the parents on the show are often so over-the-top overprotective that we can pat ourselves on the back for our own outstanding parenting ability, can we, as regular, run of the mill parents, learn something from Skenazy’s show?

Are We Dangerizing Childhood?

A mom of two girls, 9 and 11, I am uneasy about letting them walk to the park or the corner store on their own. A situation quite different than when I was young. Having grown up in the 70s, I roamed around the neighborhood, alone, at night, in the dead of winter. I scraped my knee, fell out of a tree and was teased by mean girls. Is the state of our society so different now that we really need to be so overly protective? I mean, when I was young, there were no car seats, no bike helmets, no kneepads. And most of us survived. And while I am in no way suggesting that we forgo the use of car seats and helmets, have we “dangerized” childhood so much that we are growing a generation of neurotic kids? Or just a generation of neurotic parents.

Time To Face Reality

In reality, our neighborhoods are safer now than they were thirty years ago. The crime rate is down, so is the murder rate. And while there are dangers abound on the Internet, instead of preventing our children from surfing, we need to give them the tools to do so safely and confidently. The same with riding bikes, playing dodge ball and using chopsticks.

By providing your child with the opportunity to make mistakes, and learn from them, by letting them get hurt, and then helping them heal, by teaching them how to stick up for themselves, we will be creating a generation of independent, self-sufficient kids who will, in turn, try not to become helicopter parents themselves.

But that’s just my opinion.

category: blog, Children, In My Opinion
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