Therapy Stew

Everything You Wanted To Know About Psychology But Were Afraid To Ask

Therapy Stew

Archives for Divorce

How to Let Go of Your Anger

Posted by  on Tuesday, March 13th 2012     

letting sand run out of your handWe’ve all had times in our lives when we’ve been hurt by someone else, either intentionally or accidentally. I’m sure we can all pinpoint a time when trust has been broken, confidences have been betrayed and we’ve felt taken advantage of.  In the course of relationships, this is inevitable.  However, while the initial pain and anger we feel at these times is normal, holding on to anger, reliving the pain over and over again, only serves to affect how we relate to others in the future. When we are caught up in the cycle of anger, it becomes difficult to open ourselves up to new experiences and it clouds our ability to move on and be happy.

Forgive and Forget

As children, we are often taught to forgive and forget. It seems simple enough but in reality, letting go of anger and resentment is not an easy process. When trying to start the process, it’s critical to remember that forgiving and forgetting are two separate steps.

Generally, forgiveness is a conscious decision to let go of the anger and resentment and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility in hurting you, nor are you going to forget that it happened. You are simply making a decision not to let that act continue to affect your life. You can forgive someone without excusing the act. For many, forgiveness and letting go of the anger and resentment can bring a kind of peace that helps you move forward with other, more positive, aspects of your life.

Why Should I Forgive?

Letting go of the anger makes room for an inner peace and kindness to move into your life. It can lead to a reduced stress level, less anxiety, strain and hostility and it can increase your sense of well-being, leading to healthier and more satisfying relationships.

By holding on to the anger, the resentment that it produces often moves into each and every relationship and new experience you have. Many people find that they become so wrapped up in the bitterness that their life begins to lack meaning and purpose, causing a lack of connectedness to others. Being angry clouds your ability to understand what your real needs are and your ability to effectively meet those needs, whether it’s through relationships with others or simply knowing what you need to make yourself happy.

The Process of Letting Go

  1. Recognize the true effects of your anger: Nelson Mandela said that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.” It is often believed that if you stay angry with the other person, they will, somehow, feel that anger and it will “serve them right.” However, chances are that the person you are angry with has gone on with their lives and hasn’t given you a second thought. It’s important to recognize that when you hold on to the anger, you are often the only one who suffers.
  2. The best revenge: In life, the greatest revenge you can have over those who have hurt you is to live positive and productive lives. Anger hinders this process and makes it impossible for you to move on. By letting go of the anger, you are ensuring that you are more likely to be happy and content in the future, despite what happened in the past.
  3. Forgiveness is not acceptance: When you forgive someone, you are not accepting his or her negative behavior. Even if you need to continue to interact with that person, there is no reason why you need to trust them. By recognizing the limitations of others, you can determine the role, if any, that person will play in your lives.
  4. Recognizing that forgiveness is a benefit we accord to ourselves, and not to others: By offering forgiveness even when the offender isn’t repentant you are choosing to value yourself and your mental health over anger.
  5. Maintain perspective: While the actions of others can be hurtful to you and your immediate surroundings, often, the rest of the world isn’t even unaware of what happened. By taking your anger out on those not directly involved, like your spouse, children or friends, you are only causing further resentment and bitterness in these relationships, which is unlikely to cause any difficulties for the actual target of your anger.
  6. Recognize what you can and can’t change: While we all have control over our behavior, our actions and our thoughts, we have absolutely no control over anyone else. We cannot force someone to accept responsibility for his or her actions, nor can we use our anger to instigate a change. By recognizing this fact, we can actually focus on the things in our life that we DO have control over and make positive changes and choices that make it easier to see the beauty, kindness and love around you.
Related articles
Enhanced by Zemanta
category: blog, Divorce, General, Marital Issues, Positive Psychology
tags: , , , , ,

The Effects of Divorce on Children

Posted by  on Monday, March 12th 2012     

girls sitting between two parentsMost parents going through a divorce recognize that the hardest part is trying to protect their children from the fallout. Despite most good intentions, however, children often find themselves caught up in the emotional turmoil and what they need most from their parents is reassurance and support. While each child will deal with the emotional issues of divorce in his or her own way, there are typical symptomatology common to each phase of childhood.  By understanding what causes stress for the children and by being prepared for the different types of behaviors that children manifest at each age, parents will be better equipped to help their children navigate through the confusion of divorce.

What Causes Stress For Children of Divorce

  • Change: The family that they’ve always known is changing. With this change, there will be new responsibilities, new living arrangements, perhaps new schools and new routines. Children may lose contact with old friends or family member and need to make new friends.
  • Loss of Contact: Attachment is an important part of development and with a divorce, any change in the amount of contact with a parent, sibling or extended family member can cause a great deal of stress
  • Fear of abandonment: Often, children fear that if the parents no longer love each other, they may stop loving them as well. They may worry about who will take care of them and may feel unsafe.
  • Hostility between parents: One of the biggest causes of stress in children of divorce is the amount of tension between the parents. Arguments and tension between parents can cause feelings of guilt, anger, isolation and confusion. With any type of discord between their parents, the child often feels as if they need to choose sides.

How Children React to Divorce

Infants

While the infant will have no understanding of what is going on between the parents, they will react to changes in mood, tension levels and energy levels.  They may react by developing a change in eating or sleeping patterns and may exhibit more crying and irritability.

Strategies for Parents
  • Stay calm
  • Create consistent schedules and routines
  • Maintain warm, safe contact

Toddlers

While toddlers can understand that one parent has moved away, they often don’t understand why and frequently spend time waiting for them to come back.  Toddlers may regress to infantile behaviors such as wetting the bed and thumb-sucking. They may feel anger but not know how to express it appropriately leading to acting out and aggressive behaviors.  Toddlers may also withdraw, be overly clingy and show increased anxiety.

Strategies for Parents
  • Create consistent routines and schedules
  • Reassure and nurture your child
  • Spend extra time with your child
  • Let them demonstrate regressive behaviors for a bit but set limits
  • Model appropriate expression of anger and sadness
  • Teach your child to use words instead of angry behaviors

Preschoolers

Similar to toddlers, the preschooler understands that there has been a change but does not understand what’s really going on. Preschoolers are at the age of magical thinking and feel guilty and blame themselves for the separation, thinking that if they were better behaved, the parents will reunite.  They may even have reconciliation fantasies. Often, they demonstrate regressive behaviors, feel anger and sadness without knowing how to express it and may exhibit sleep and eating disturbances. Nightmares are not uncommon as is excessive worry about the future.

Strategies for Parents
  • Encourage your child to talk about their feelings
  • Read appropriate divorce related books together to encourage discussion
  • Allow the non-custodial parent to spend time with the child
  • Reassure your child that they will always be safe and cared for
  • Reassure the child that the divorce is not their fault
  • Spend quality time with your child each day

School-Aged Children

School-aged children are beginning to understand what divorce is and that their parents won’t be living together anymore.  At this age, reconciliation fantasies are very prevalent and children frequently feel deceived by their parents and rejected by the parent that left.  They may lose interest in school, friends and activities they once found enjoyable. They often worry about the future and may experience eating, sleeping difficulties coupled with psychosomatic complaints like stomach-ache and headaches.

Strategies for Parents
  • Answer all your child’s questions in an appropriate way
  • Be aware of signs of depression and anxiety – seek professional advice if depression or anxiety is prolonged
  • Encourage your child to talk about how he or she feels
  • Don’t treat your child as a friend, sharing inappropriate information about the other parent
  • Don’t speak ill of the other parent or use your child as a go between
  • Don’t use expressions such as “be brave” or “don’t cry”
  • Model appropriate ways to express and deal with feelings
  • Reassure your child that all will be ok
  • Keep daily routines intact
  • Spend quality time with your child

Preteens and Adolescents

While the preteen and teen does understand the ramifications of divorce, often they do not accept it. They may feel intense anger toward one or both parents. They may feel disillusioned or abandoned by the parent who left. They may show either extreme bad behavior, becoming involved in high-risk behaviors, like drugs, alcohol or sex or extreme good behavior, trying to bring the family back together. They may worry about financial matters and try to take over adult responsibilities. They may also become over-involved in marital issues.

Strategies for Parents
  • Encourage communication
  • Keep routines and schedules consistent
  • Set appropriate limits
  • Don’t discuss adult issues or issues pertaining to the other parent
  • Remind your child they do not “own” the problem to reduce feelings of guilt
  • Maintain strong co-parenting to reduce the teen from playing one parent off the other

In order to minimize the psychological effects of divorce on your children, it’s important to meet them where they are developmentally and meet both their physical and emotional needs with warmth, reassurance and consistency.  Children need to be cared for by both their mother and father and both spouses, regardless of geography, need to remain involved in their children’s lives.  Finally, no matter what, children can NEVER be used as pawns before, during or after your divorce.

 

Related articles
Enhanced by Zemanta
category: Adolescents, Children, Divorce, General
tags: , , , , , ,

How To Tell Your Child You’re Getting Divorce

Posted by  on Thursday, February 2nd 2012     
boy standing between two parents

Caught In The Middle

Getting a divorce may be one of the most painful and stressful periods in your life, with feelings of hurt, pain, loss and anger, but telling your kids that you are going to divorce and why will likely be the hardest part of the entire divorce process. When it is done correctly, talking to your kids about the pending divorce can help your children cope with the sadness, confusion, anger and powerlessness that a child often feels during this very confusing and emotional time in their lives.

What Do Kids Need To Know?

As parents, our first instinct is to protect our children but in a divorce situation, many parents are hesitant to provide an explanation of exactly what is happening and why. Most parents don’t look forward to this conversation because they worry about how their children will react and are worried about controlling their own emotions. Parents often feel guilty about hurting their children’s adjustment, and may have fears that an older child or adolescent may blame or reject them. But despite your anxiety, all children need to know what’s happening, and how the separation will affect their lives. They need to be giving the opportunity to ask question about what is happening and, without going into any gory details, why.  Children who are told nothing are typically more frustrated and have a more difficult time working things out.

Although most parents try to hide the conflict with the other parent, they are often taken aback when the children are not surprised by the news. Even if there hasn’t been any fighting in front of them, children will often pick up on the tension and chilliness between parents. For those not witness to the fighting, an explanation can go a long way in helping them process the information. It’s important to be as forthcoming as possible, in an age appropriate way. For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain about what life will be like, or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up for good.

Plan With Your Spouse Beforehand

When parents are divorcing, children are often afraid that they will lose one of their parents or that their parents will simply abandon them and they will have to somehow fend for themselves. Before speaking with your children, it is imperative that you and your spouse have a plan in place that you can outline to your children. Housing arrangements should be already made, a visitation schedule should be in place, they should know where they will go to school and who the dog will live with.

Tell Your Children Together

It is always best to tell your children together and while some issues may prevent this from happening, when at all possible, presenting a united front will help ease a child’s anxiety. It is important to be ready for a multitude of questions and try to stay calm as you answer every one.  It’s okay to be emotional and to let your child know that you are sad and that you realize they are sad too. Reassuring them that it’s not their fault and that you will always love them and be there for them is critical.

Avoid Placing Blame

Blaming or bad-mouthing your spouse damages and hurts children. Remember that your child’s relationship with their other parent is separate from yours, and you must respect their relationship by not saying or doing anything to create parental alienation between them. Also, do not make messengers out of your children. If you are unable to discuss things with your spouse about issues or problems with the divorce rationally, talk to someone who can act as a mediator between you, rather than putting your child in the position of feeling as though they must choose sides.

Provide Ongoing Support For Your Child

Even though the initial conversation will end, children need time to process the information. They may come back over the next days, weeks or even months to repeat questions, ask why and seek reassurance.  Try to stay calm as you repeat answers, provide reassurance that you still love them and that the divorce was not their fault.  Depending on their ages, this process may take a very long time.

Making sure that the school and daycare is aware of the situation is important. Having added support from family and friends who love the child is key as well.  Encourage the child to talk about the divorce as often as necessary, encourage them to keep a journal, having them talk to a counselor or take part in a groups for children of divorce may also be helpful.

The Big Picture

girls hugging mom

Support Your Child

There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to a divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and love can minimize the strain as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time is never without some measure of difficulty, but you can greatly reduce your children’s pain by making their happiness your top priority.

category: blog, Children, Divorce
tags: , ,