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Dealing With Trauma

Posted by  on Sunday, November 11th 2012     

Emotional and psychological trauma can be caused by single-blow, one-time events, such as a horrible accident, a natural disaster, or a violent attack. Trauma can also stem from ongoing, relentless stress, such as living in a crime-ridden neighborhood or struggling with cancer. It is very normal for people to experience many emotional and physical aftershocks or stress reactions following a traumatic event. Sometimes these aftershocks appear almost immediately after the event but sometimes it may take a few hours, days or even weeks before any type of negative stress reactions appear. Individual responses may include intense fear, shame, helplessness, or horror. Depending on the severity of the event, the signs and symptoms of trauma may last a few days, several weeks or months, or even longer.

When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the physical and emotional pain and feel safe again. The way someone deals with trauma depends on his or her own history and prior experiences.The most common reaction include shock and denial. Someone in shock may feel stunned, dazed or numb. They may find it easier to cut off from your feelings and from what is going on around you. When a person is in denial, they are unable to accept what happened so they behave as though it didn’t. It may take several hours, days or weeks before the denial gradually fades and other feelings and thoughts take place.

What happens next?

People react differently to trauma and it may take different amounts of time to come to terms with what has happened. Even so, you may be surprised by the strength of your feelings. It is normal to experience a mix of feelings. You may feel:

  • Frightened that the same thing will happen again, or that you might lose control of your feelings and break down.
  • Helpless that something really bad happened and you could do nothing about it. You feel helpless, vulnerable and overwhelmed.
  • Angry about what has happened and with whoever was responsible.
  • Guilty that you have survived when others have suffered or died. You may feel that you could have done something to prevent it.
  • Sad particularly if people were injured or killed, especially someone you knew.
  • Ashamed or embarrassed that you have these strong feelings you can’t control, especially if you need others to support you.
  • Relieved that the danger is over and that the danger has gone.
  • Hopeful that your life will return to normal. People can start to feel more positive about things quite soon after a trauma.

What Can You Do for Yourself?

There are many ways you can help yourself deal with a traumatic event. Some are healthy and some are not. It is important to try to take each day at a time and to do what you know is right for you. Everyone has their own way of coping with trauma. These are some general suggestions about what can help.

  • Recognise that you have been through a distressing experience and give yourself permission to experience your reactions to it. Don’t be angry with yourself for being upset. Remind yourself that you are not abnormal and that you can and are coping.
  • Don’t  use alcohol or other drugs to cope and avoid making any major decisions or big life changes.
  • Do not try to block out thoughts of what has happened. Gradually confronting what has happened will assist in coming to terms with the traumatic experience. It may help to share your feelings and experiences with others when opportunities arise. Although this may be really hard at times, talking to people you trust is helpful in dealing with trauma.
  • Allow yourself time to rest if you are feeling tired, and remember that regular exercise is important. Let your friends and family know what you need. Help them to help you by letting them know when you are tired, need time out, or need a chance to talk or just be with someone.
  • Make time to practise relaxation. You can use a formal technique such as progressive muscle relaxation or just make time to absorb yourself in a relaxing activity such as gardening or listening to music. This will help your body and nervous system to settle and readjust.
  • It’s not unusual for the trauma to stir up other memories or feelings from a past unrelated stressful occurrence, or even childhood experiences, If you need help dealing with the memories, that’s ok.
  • Express your feelings as they arise. Whether you discuss them with someone else or write them down in a diary, expressing feelings in some way often helps the healing process.

When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again. But with the right treatment, self-help strategies, and support, you can speed your recovery. Whether the traumatic event happened years ago or yesterday, you can heal and move on.

 

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7 Steps to Reduce Stress

Posted by  on Wednesday, November 7th 2012     

There are a lot of things life that can stress  us out: family problems, trouble with friends, financial issues and work.  Stress is often a response to all the changes in your life and it can cause emotional and physical reactions. The less experience and strategies you have dealing with stress, the more difficult it is to cope with it. Stress is  can also be a factor in causing other,  things like anxiety, depression, physical illness and even drug/alcohol use.

The bad news is that stress is inevitable. The good news, however, is that there are ways to deal with it. By recognizing the signs of stress, like difficulty sleeping, eating, concentrating in school, headaches and fatigue, you can take specific actions in order to help yourself cope with stress overload.

  • Get enough sleep. Most of us don’t get enough sleep. Experts say that most people need at least  eight hours of sleep each night in order to be well-rested and healthy, but only about 1:10 actually get that much. Between work, family and a social life, it’s hard to find time for that much sleep. Make an effort, though. It’s definitely worth it.
  • You Are What You Eat. Junk food (potato chips, candy bars, soft drinks) actually cheat your of body of the necessary energy it needs to deal with stress. While it may give you an initial rush by increasing your blood sugar quickly, just as quickly, your blood sugar will drop. You’ll feel better and have more energy if you eat fresh fruits and vegetables and drink plenty of water. When you need a pick-me-up, instead of reaching for a candy bar or a Diet Coke, try a yogurt or some peanut butter crackers. Carbs and protein will work better than sugar and caffeine.
  • Stay Active. It’s important to your physical and mental well-being to make an effort to be more physically active. Find things that you like to do and find friends you like to do them with. Working out is a great way to let off steam and reduce stress. When you exercise your brain produces endorphins, which are natural chemicals that make you feel good.
  • Stop procrastinating. Unfortunately, procrastinating only leads to more stress later on. Using a daily planner can help with  you with this.  With a daily planner, either electronic or otherwise,  you’ll be able to keep track of everything you need to get done and it will reduce the number of “surprise” tasks that pop up. With everything written down, you won’t have to worry about forgetting any important plans or responsibilities.
  • Take Care of Yourself. Schedule time for fun, spending time with your friends and even spending time on your own to give yourself a chance to relax. Try to spend some time doing the things you like and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself. Avoid those people who are downers.
  • Learn what things you can control and what things you can’t. There will always be things in your life that you can’t control. It will only cause more stress by focusing on these things and attempting to control them to no avail. By recognizing the difference between the things you can and cannot control, you will save yourself a lot of stress and grief.
  • Don’t keep it to yourself. Try to seek out people you feel comfortable with and talk about the stress you are experiencing. Find other positive ways to express your feelings: draw, keep a journal, paint, blog.

Dealing with stress overload can sometimes be as simple as better prioritizing your life or can be as complicated as needing outside help such as counseling or therapy. Remember, it takes time to develop good stress management habits. It takes practice and perseverance. and it’s okay to take it one step at a time.

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Can Nutrition Help Fight Depression?

Posted by  on Tuesday, October 16th 2012     

Guest Post by Dr. Bradley Jabour:

Depression is a widespread condition that can cause people to lose interest in their everyday activities. Depression can lead to feelings of sadness, worthlessness, the inability to find enjoyment in any activity, or even bring about suicidal thoughts. This often debilitating disease can be effectively treated with various methods, including therapy and medications. However, recent studies have found that nutrition may play a large part in the both cause and cure of depression.

The Role of Food in Depression

When people feel sad, down or depressed, it’s not uncommon for people to turn to food as a way of making themselves feel better. When people seek out food for comfort, it usually takes the forms of junk food or foods high in sugar content. Even though you seek out junk food when you’re depressed, the effect that these processed and high-sugar foods have on your body can actually worsen your depression.

Foods that Cause Your Body Stress

High sugar foods create stress on your body. As your liver processes the sugar, it uses what it can for energy and stores the rest as fat. If there are large amounts of sugar, the liver works twice as hard, giving the body that lazy and lethargic feeling, like you just don’t have enough energy to do anything. As your body becomes stressed, you may start to feel ill or unwell. This unpleasant feeling will only cause you to feel more depressed.

Processed foods have the same effect on your liver. However, the large amounts of chemical based products in these foods can place undue stress on all of your organs. As the liver is unable to process these chemicals, the body becomes damaged. The damage can cause depression and aches and pains. Most people report feeling physical pain with their depression, poor eating habits are what is most likely contributing to this fact.

Relying on caffeine or alcohol to deal with the depression can also harm your body. Caffeine will increase your cortisol levels, causing you to feel stress, while alcohol is a depressive and will enhance the sad feelings.

On the other side of the issue, many people opt to avoid food when they are depressed. This is also the wrong way to deal with depression because the malnutrition caused by lack of food can enhance the depressive mood as well as cause physical problems.

Foods That Help Fight Depression

Foods high in Omega-3 fatty acids, like walnuts, Brussels sprouts, kale, spinach, salad greens and some fish, are very good for fighting depression. Many studies that have been done in recent years which show that the brain needs Omega-3 to function properly. Omega-3 has been shown to increase the receptive powers of the brain on dopamine and serotonin levels, which help to balance out these hormones.

Well balanced diets that include all the food groups are best for people suffering from depression. An Australian study found, however, that people eating excessive amounts of fried foods often suffer from higher depression rates. In addition, while sugar has been shown to elevate mood, people often go overboard. Sugar can be quickly abused and cause more damage to the body than good. Substituting sugar and processed sugar products with a sweet fruit will bring about the same results without damaging the liver.

Studies have also shown that taking a multivitamin can help fight the onset of depression. A recent study conducted in the United Kingdom has shown that many people with depression suffer from vitamin deficiencies. The most common deficiencies were: Selenium, B6, B12, Magnesium and Manganese. And while a well-balanced diet should provide enough of these vitamins and minerals, a multi-vitamin can help when food is not enough.

We all get sad from time to time, usually in response to stressful or  traumatic life situations. A painful divorce, the  loss of a job or personal problems can trigger lack of appetite, insomnia, and feelings of deep  sadness. If your sadness last longer than a few weeks, or if it occurs  outside the context of a major life change, you may have what’s known as a “major  depressive disorder.” While food alone is not a cure for depression, it can go a long way when coupled with medication and therapy.

Bradley A. Jabour M.D. has more than 20 years experience in academic and clinical research and is a nationally recognized Neuroradiologist. Dr. Jabour speaks at colleges and Universities around  the globe and has received several national honors, including a  Certificate of Merit from The Radiological Society of North America  (RSNA). Jabour lives in Santa Monica where he practices as Chief of  Neuroradiology at the depression treatment center, Smart Brain and Health.

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How To Keep Your Child Safe Online

Posted by  on Thursday, October 4th 2012     

mom and kids looking at the computer screenKeeping your kids safe in today’s digital world is getting tougher and tougher. Kids are becoming more and more tech savvy at an earlier age. Just offer a toddler your iPad and you’ll see what I mean. While their ability to navigate the increasingly complex world of technology is improving, their ability to discern between what is safe and unsafe in terms of web content is a skill that must be developed over time and with parental guidance. Education, communication and rules can go a long way in helping your child understand how to stay safe online, whether it’s opening questionable links, uploading a YouTube video or texting their friends.

Communication should always be the first line of defense when dealing with any parenting issues and having “the talk” about cyber safety should be just as important as having the “other talk.” As your child begins to use the computer, Internet or your smartphone, it’s essential to ensure that they understand a few basic facts and safety rules:

  • What goes online stays online. Forever.
  • They are never to give out personal information.
  • Make sure they understand what photos are appropriate to post and where it’s ok to post them.
  • Ensure that they know these rules migrate to any computer they are on (even when they’re at a friend’s house).

Have the Talk

It’s scary to have to talk to your children about online predators but it can be done in an age appropriate and sensitive manner. Stress the importance of never meeting someone they have met online in person and encourage then to always trust their gut when asked inappropriate or personal questions. When deciding whether or not to allow your child to chat online, ensure that they are only on kid-friendly sites.

Have an Open Window Policy

One key aspect to helping your child stay safe online is to have an open window policy. Computers should always be kept in a public area in the home. Make sure your kids know that nothing they do online, their phones, iPads or iPods is private. Passwords are to be shared with parents and are not to be changed without permission. Ensure that your kids know that you can (and should) check their social network accounts periodically and without warning. They are not to delete their history and they should always ask permission before going online.

Know Where Your Kids are Surfing

Show interest in where your kids are surfing. Ask them which sites they like to visit. Help your child learn to think critically by encouraging purpose-driven searching – figuring out which words typed into the search box will bring them the best results. Have the pop-up blocker on when your kids are using the Internet. Look for warning signs that your child is looking at unsanctioned sites, like switching screens as soon as you walk into the room.

Be attentive to signs of cyber-bullying and harassment. Warning signs include being hesitancy to be online, being nervous when a message appears or emotional distress after using the Internet or getting a text or a sudden change in your child’s behaviour.

Use Parental Controls

Luckily, there are a plethora of technologies available to help you monitor your child’s usage. Many devices have parental control measures built-in. You can create a user with a password-protected admin control to allow you to set restrictions on your children’s usage. You can set the computer to shut off at, say, 10 p.m.

You can also set limits that control how long your child can use a device (one hour, two hours, etc.), and set filters on incoming and outgoing chats, approve “buddies” for online chat services, as well as what websites are viewable. Google also has many safety tools, including a YouTube Safety Mode that filters out age-inappropriate content. This is an advantage for parents who like to share funny YouTube videos with their kids, but are worried they might stumble upon undesirable content.

For a child just starting out on the Internet set the Internet restrictions to the maximum and have them earn lower restrictions as they grow and demonstrate responsible behaviour.

There’s an app for that

Having a mobile kid means sharing media via the smartphone. You can control content at the search engine level on your smart phone too by using tools like Google’s SafeSearch which is accessible on any mobile device. Just choose settings located at the bottom of the screen and you’ll see the option to select Strict, Moderate or to turn SafeSearch off completely.

The best way for a parent to keep their child safe online is to step into their cyber world. Just as a parent knows all the details of the playground, they need to know all the details of their child’s online playground. The Internet is a wondrous tool that can open up your child’s world and expand their mind. But, just like the offline playground, the Internet has its hidden dangers. By taking the online journey with your child, setting firm guidelines and getting involved, you can succeed in helping your child stay safe online.

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Teaching Your Children About Money

Posted by  on Friday, September 21st 2012     

little girls counting her moneyIt’s always a fine line when trying to teach your children about money matters but good money management is one of the most valuable skills you can pass on to your children. Making wise money decisions is an important skill at all stages of life but as a parent, teaching your kids about money now can build the foundation for a successful financial life in the future.

Start Early

It’s never too early to start teaching your kids about money management. Kids can learn how to save their pennies in a piggy bank even before they can count.  Teaching preschoolers the difference between what things cost in the store, whether a loaf of bread is $2 or $5, can make learning about money fun. Let them pay for small things in a store and get the change back helps small children learn about what money is all about. Older kids can make sure they get the right change back. Keep an open discussion about the difference between what you need and what you want.

Teach them the Value of Money

It’s so important that kids understand the importance of money and its proper use. Teaching them how vital it is to start a habit of saving from an early age so that they do not face tough times later on. As they get older, teaching them about the more complex money matters, like credit cards, different type of personal loans, the ways to get them and the importance of repaying them in due time and the dangers behind borrowing money.

Save for a Rainy Day

It’s always a good idea to open a savings account for your child. It’s a place to put birthday and holiday money and later, a portion of their allowance. It also lets them to watch their balance grow. It can be a great learning experience to have your child save their money for a toy or gadget they want. Encourage your child to put loose change a jar so they can see it grow and then have then pay for their small expenses.

Help Them Prioritize

Many parents find that when their children are spending their own money for the things they want (but don’t really need) they are better able to prioritize what’s important and they are better able to choose wisely when spending money.

Let Them Work For It

Children need to feel the emotional connection between work and money. One way to establish it: Pay kids commissions, not allowances. They’ll learn that if they work, they’ll get paid; if they don’t, they won’t. That’s the rule for parents—it should go for kids, too.

Teach Them to Budget

By decreasing the frequency of allowances that you give each month, you can help teach your child how to budget their money. For example, instead of giving your child an allowance on a weekly basis, reduce the frequency to twice or once per month. Monthly or bi-monthly payments are something your child will encounter in the real world when he or she has a job, and this allowance practice will teach them to create a spending plan.

Encourage your kids to carry cash

With today’s banking technology, it’s so easy to stick with plastic. Encourage your children to carry cash. This will help them understand what things really cost, because they will have to hand over the actual dollars and cents. By using a certain amount of cash each week as a personal allowance it will help your children establish a budget and a spending limit. And in case of emergency, having $20 on you is a nice safety net in case your debit card doesn’t work.

Teach Them to Give

An important lesson about money management is that there are always those who are less fortunate than we are. We can help young children realize this lesson by having them donate their outgrown toys or clothes to charity and for older children, an allowance can be as handy a tool for fostering charity as it is for teaching other aspects of money management.

Some important tasks of parenting include teaching your children delayed gratification, responsibility, and kindness to others. Believe it or not, all three of these lessons can be learned by teaching your child money management. While some money-management lessons come from trial and error, the ultimate lesson is about wants versus needs. With your guidance, you can motivate your children to make wise money-management choices—a priceless gift that can help them become debt-free adults.

 

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Learning to Say No: How Raise Responsible Children

Posted by  on Tuesday, September 11th 2012     

family doing chores togetherIn today’s world of surplus, where 6 year olds have cell phones and teens are given cars without having to work for them, many children are growing up with a strong (and unhealthy) sense of entitlement. For various reasons, many of today’s parents feel they have to go all-out for their children, whether it’s for birthday parties, vacations, holidays, or by providing them with the newest and most expensive toys and gadgets.

Why do parents do this?  Perhaps out of a sense of competition with other parents, guilt or wanting to provide their children with what they didn’t have growing up. My guess is that their actions have more to do with what’s going on inside of them rather than what their children may need or expect.  Whatever the reasons, it can lead children to develop an entitlement mindset. When they head out into the real world, this sense of entitlement can leave young adults unprepared for the challenges they will undoubtedly face as adults.

In reality, I often find myself struggling with these same issues. It’s difficult to balance my desire to give my kids everything, with my knowledge that if I make my daughters work for what they want, they will recognize the value of things and get to feel that sense of satisfaction when they achieve their goals. It’s also partly for selfish reasons. I hate saying no to my girls. I do want them to have everything they want and while there is one part of me that knows this really isn’t in their best interest (or in my financial reality), there’s another part that feels awful every time I say no.

I grew up in a middle class family.  While my parents weren’t wealthy, they did provide my younger brother and me with what we needed. We always had new clothes for school; we were able to go to camp in the summer and a family trip to Florida each year to visit my grandparents.  Not as much as some but definitely more than others.  I remember times when I wanted what my friends had and I was told no. When I went on some of the same school trips as my friends, I had to work to earn the money to go.  When I wanted to borrow the car as a teenager, I was the one who got up at 5 am to drive my dad to the airport when he traveled for business so I could use his car.  As an adult looking back, I can honestly say that I don’t feel I was deprived in any way. When it all comes down to it, my parents gave my brother and I the really important things – love, discipline, stability and their time.

I’ll always cherish the memories of my childhood. I remember my dad taking us to the airport to watch planes take off. I remember family cook-outs and picnics with friends in the summer and I remember skating outside in the winter. Birthdays were always celebrated with a cake and singing. As a matter of fact, I remember that each special occasion was celebrated with cake and lots of singing. And photographs. My mom took pictures about everything.  A good thing too, since now I can look back with my girls and laugh at all the memories. The fact is, when you have children, you can create memories they will cherish for the rest of their lives without showering them with lavish gifts or events or toys.

As a psychologist, I know that the whole point of parenting is to gradually prepare a child to deal with the challenges of life as an adult. Giving kids everything they want not only doesn’t prepare them, it does quite the opposite. It keeps them from learning how to earn things through hard work, sweat and tears. In reality, many parents who had it rough when they were kids often don’t appreciate what those struggles did for them. They often compensate for this with a misguided strategy of giving their children everything they ask for. This may meet the child’s short term needs; along with the parent’s need for being the “hero,”  but it does little to teach a child about responsibility and accountability.

As a mom, saying no is often overwhelming and guilt provoking.  When the guilt of saying no gets the best of me, I take a deep breath and try to remind myself of what’s important.  I try to remember that as a mom, the most important things I want my girls to take with them from their childhood are their positive memories. Memories of a family life filled with music, laughter and love.

It takes a great effort, but I try to remember that by saying no to my girls, by making them earn toys and privileges, I am making them stronger and more resilient.  I remind myself that in reality, the most important need that every child has is to feel loved, valued and understood. If I can meet those needs in my children, they will be better equipped to handle both the difficulties and successes in life. And that’s what being a good mom all is about, right?

Posted with permission from Ali Goldfield – Freelance Writer

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How to Deal With Frenemies at Work

Posted by  on Monday, September 3rd 2012     

two women in the workplaceThe Urban Dictionary defines frenemy as “someone who is both friend and enemy, a relationship that is either mutually beneficial or interdependent while being competitive, fraught with risk and mistrust.” No matter what you do, it’s likely that you’ve experienced a frenemy in the workplace. Someone who is bent on making themselves look good at your expense.  It typically stems from a place of jealousy and it can be extremely frustrating and hurtful to be on the receiving end of such a “friendship.”

In today’s cutthroat job market, the atmosphere at work is often fraught with those trying to get ahead. One of the biggest problems with this type of jealousy and competitiveness is that you may never know where a frenemy is lurking. But remember: you are not alone. In fact in 2009, 80% of Canadian men and women were reported to having been bullied at work.

Spotting a Frenemy

A frenemy often blows hot and cold. They can be friendly and supportive one moment and cruel and calculating the next. They can alternate between championing your ideas and initiatives to undermining your confidence in any way they can.  They may take credit for your ideas, “forget” to tell you about a scheduled meeting or initiate a group lunch without inviting you.  While distinguishing a colleague as friend or frenemy may feel like a job in itself, there are some steps you can take to help protect yourself and be proactive when dealing with

Is It You?

Before you confront your co-worker about why he or she doesn’t like you, try to figure out if you are partly to blame for the issue. Are you contributing to the problems? Do you simply not like your coworker because you feel they’re more competent or do you feel that they are talking behind your back? The truth is, if your colleague senses you hate them, they’re going to hate you back. Figure out what you’ve done, if anything, before you try to make remedy the situation.

Be Professional

Once you are able to figure out what the problem is, consider how you want to handle it to make sure the conflict goes away. Letting it go and ignoring it is likely not the best option as these types of dynamics can often take on a life of their own. It’s also important to remember that you do need to remain professional at all times. Any emails or written communication can be used against you so you should never write anything you wouldn’t want broadcast around the water cooler.

Don’t Retaliate

When you’ve confirmed that a colleague has done something intolerable, like taking credit for one of your ideas, it’s tempting to respond with the same under-handed tactics like bad-mouthing the person to other colleagues. However, this type of behavior can turn a minor dispute into a major battle. Indulging in this kind of behavior at work not only makes you look petty and untrustworthy, but it also takes up time and energy that’s better spent on work.

Confront Your Frenemy

As difficult as it may be, if the frenemy has throws you under the bus, confront them. Let them know, as tactfully as possible, that you’re aware that they went behind your back and you don’t appreciate it. Many times, if you call a frenemy out on their bad behavior, they will ease up.

Create a Paper Trail

When trying to protect yourself from your frenemy at work, you should always err on the side of over communicating. If you have a conversation with your frenemy about an important task they must complete, make sure you follow up with them via email so you have a paper trail. That way, if they deny accountability should something go wrong, you have documentation to back you up.  If the relationship becomes more counterproductive, an email exchange can be referred to as opposed to a half-remembered phone call or hallway discussion. The knowledge that a record exists could prevent a would-be adversary from misrepresenting the facts in the first place.

If you work closely with your frenemy, establishing a clear division of labor can save you a lot of anxiety. Sending the frenemy an email at the beginning of a project clearly defining your individual responsibilities can prevent misunderstandings and make it much more difficult for a coworker to take advantage of you. Consider documenting your progress by sending your boss regular updates of your ideas, your frenemy’s ideas and the progress of the project.  Be sure to cc your frenemy on the email to avoid any misunderstandings on their part.

Move Forward

You may be able to work through your issues with your frenemy but if you really don’t like them, it will still be hard to work with them in the long run.  As difficult as it may be, it’s important that you deal with frenemies in a straightforward manner in order to diffuse bad feelings and create a productive environment. You might consider focusing on something else when that person is around, such as making calls when he’s nearby so you can avoid speaking to him or hearing what she has to say, since you know everything out of their mouth is likely not productive anyway.

Take the High Road

Although we all like to think that the trifling, self-indulgent behaviors we engaged in as children are left, well, back in our childhoods, unfortunately, this is usually not the case. By taking the high road when dealing with difficult people at work, you can save yourself a great deal of stress and anxiety. If you can’t deal with the situation on your own, however, consider getting your boss involved. By maintaining a professional stance and discussing the facts of the situation objectively, without emotion, you may be able to solve your frenemy problems in a positive and productive manner.

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Mindfulness for Children

Posted by  on Thursday, August 23rd 2012     

girl sitting on the grass meditatingAlthough mindfulness has only recently been embraced by Western psychology, it is an ancient practice found in a wide range of Eastern philosophies, including Buddhism, Taoism and Yoga. Mindfulness involves consciously bringing awareness to your here-and-now with openness, interest and receptiveness while focusing on your mind on the present. It’s the art of paying attention to your life on purpose, without judgment.

Mindfulness interventions have been demonstrated to be beneficial for a number of psychological and physical conditions such as chronic pain, depression, anxiety, addictions and personality disorders. It has also proven to be a powerful factor in reducing stress both in children and adults.

The ability to pay attention to your here and now is a central tenet to the practice of mindfulness and is a natural, innate human ability. Studies have shown that children as young as three can learn to turn their focus on breathing, their senses, thoughts and emotions. While much of the research about the benefits of mindfulness on health and emotional well-being has been focused on adults, new studies are showing that the benefits of practicing mindfulness with children to help them address the increased stress they are experiencing. As with adults, stress often leads to feelings of resistance, fear and anxiety. Mindfulness practice is one way to assist children in building healthy stress management skills.

Children who practice mindfulness techniques develop social and emotional intelligence, resulting in greater self-awareness, less stress, and higher levels of happiness and empathy. By using mindful breathing and focused attention to become more reflective and self-aware, children are able to gain greater emotional control. Here are a few easy ways to encourage your child to become more aware of their thoughts, their feelings and their world around them.

Mindful Walking

In our rush today to get somewhere, we often forget to take pleasure in how we get there. Even though walking is something we do every day, we often fail to notice what we pass along the way. When walking with your child, take the time each day-to-day to feel your body as you walk through the world. Ask your child to pay attention to their arms as you walk. Ask them to notice how their feet feel as they strike the ground. Encourage them to pay attention to their five senses. What sights do you see? Look for shades of color and patterns. What sounds do you hear? Taking the time to examine the texture of objects around you, trees or plants if you’re outdoors; walls or furniture if you’re indoors is a wonderful way to be in the moment with your child.

Mindful Listening

Ask your child to listen carefully for about a minute and then name five sounds she heard while being quiet. They could be someone’s footsteps down the hallway, the ticking clock on the wall or the sound of a pen scribbling on a paper. Paying even closer attention, the child is asked to notice the feelings or thoughts he had while listening. Did a lawn mower outside the window make him think of his yard at home? Did the honking horn remind him of a trip to the city?

Mindful Breathing

Have your child stop what they’re doing for a moment. Have your child take a deep breath in and slowly let the air out. With each inhale say, “In” and with each exhale say, “Out”. One breath cycle is made up of one inhale and one exhale. Have your child observe their thoughts, feelings and emotions. Notice them and then let them go.

The practice of becoming more aware of your breathing triggers the relaxation response. This results in slower breathing and increased feelings of calm. Have your child practice this for five breath cycles then repeat. Noticing your breathing is one of the fastest ways to bring your attention back to the present moment. Use this practice when your child is upset or to help the body and mind prepare for restful sleep.

Changing Channels

Just like adults, children experience these negative feelings and often they don’t know how to deal with them. By using simple mindfulness technique children can learn that they can change these negative feelings into positive ones, and be empowered to feel what they want to feel.

Start by asking your child to imagine a television set and how, when they’re watching TV, they have a remote to change the channels if they don’t like a certain program. Then tell them that they can learn to do the same thing with their own emotions. They can change their personal channels. They can feel happy or sad, grumpy or enthusiastic, worried or calm, sleepy or full of life and vigour. Ask your child to imagine a feeling of being sad. Then, by connecting their thumb to their forefinger, click as if you are clicking their own personal remote control and image something happy they’ve done, or enjoyed or want to do. Encourage them to notice how their entire body changes just by thinking about something? Teach them that they can choose what they want to feel. If they are experiencing something that they don’t enjoy, change it. Encourage them to practice changing the channels of their personal remote control.

Mindfulness can help children—and adults—shift their point of view to focus on the positive instead of the negative. By choosing to look at things that are beautiful, you can shift your awareness in a profound way. If your child is afraid, by teaching him or her to focus on the beauty of a flower, the sound of the trees and looking for the things that comfort them, you are providing them with the tools to regulate their own feelings and putting them in charge of their own experience.

 

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The Pursuit Of Happiness

Posted by  on Thursday, August 9th 2012     

woman walking on beachThe pursuit of happiness has long been thought of as one of the inalienable rights of people. However, more and more, I see people in my psychology practice who claim that the just aren’t happy and seem to have no idea how to find happiness.  There are always things in our lives that cause unhappiness and discontent, there are things that we all need, want and responsibilities we must take care of. But if we spend our time and energy focusing on the things we can’t control, the less energy we will have to focus on our inner selves and what really makes us happy.

Many of us feel that the more control we have in our lives, the happier we will be. Ironically, it is often the attempts to inappropriately control events in our lives that ultimately cause unhappiness. The use of control is paradoxical: we believe taking control will bring us security and happiness, yet by going to extremes to control your life often causes unhappiness, anxiety, and dissatisfaction.

People often replay past mistakes over and over again, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape their actions in the present. They cling to frustration, fear  and worry about the future, as if the act of obsession somehow gives them power. They hold stress in their minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm. By learning how to let go of the pain, stress and suffering we can begin to allow ourselves to learn what’s important to be stress free and happy.

LET GO OF YOUR NEED TO BE RIGHT

Many of us are so attached to the notion that we have to be right that we often end up causing those we care about much stress and even run the risk of ending great relationships. Before you dig your heals in order to prove you are right, stop and ask yourself “Is it better to be right or is it better to be happy?”

LET GO OF YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL

In life, there will always be things that we cannot control. By taking a step back and allowing the other people around you to control their own energy, you can let go of the weight and focus on your own positive energy.

LET GO OF BLAME

Many times when we’re angry, we focus on what someone else did that was wrong—which essentially giving away your power. When we focus on what we could have done better, we often feel empowered and less bitter.

LET GO OF SELF-DEPRICATING SELF-TALK

Why are we often so much more critical of ourselves than we are of others? If we can start to let go of our negative, hurtful words, and begin to show ourselves the same kindness that we often show others, we can begin to embrace a more positive and peaceful state of mind.

LET GO OF THE NEED TO IMPRESS OTHERS

Happiness comes from learning how to be happy with who you are. This won’t happen if you are always striving to be someone you’re not, just so others will like you.

LET GO OF COMPLAINING

Remember how annoying whiny kids are? Same goes for whiny adults. Nobody can make you unhappy; no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it.

LET GO OF FEAR

Fear is a product of your imagination. It occurs when we imagine the ill-fated futures that we’d hate to see become a reality. By letting go of the fear, you can begin to act on desire of what you want, rather than letting fear of the unknown continue to paralyze you.

LET GO OF OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS

Too many people are living a life that they don’t want. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them; their parents, their partners, their friends or their teachers. By trying live up to other people’s expectations we lose control over our lives. We forget what makes us happy and eventually we begin to lose ourselves.  By refusing to let other people’s opinions distract you from your path, you can begin to live the life you want for yourself.

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How to Raise Self-Reliant Children

Posted by  on Tuesday, August 7th 2012     

child holding thank you signBeing a parent is one of the most fulfilling and rewarding experiences a person can have. We often start the journey into parenting with immense hopes and dreams for our children’s future and a desire to grow happy and healthy kids.  At times, however, in our efforts to create a happy child, could we actually be giving our kids too many choices, too much praise and constant encouragement? Are we failing to balance the praise with criticisms, even when the criticisms are well deserved?

In July, 2011, Lori Gottlieb wrote an article titled How to Land Your Kid in Therapy. She claims that in our strive to create a generation of kids with high self-esteem and drive, we are guilty of being so attuned to their every need that we are actually raising a generation of unhappy kids who are unable to cope with real life. She states that in our Herculean efforts to protect our children from any type of discomfort and unhappiness, we are growing a generation that is unable to deal with any type of failure, frustration or struggle.

In today’s world of helicopter parenting, we attempt to give our children the opportunities we didn’t have as children. We enroll them in lesson after lesson, we try to solve their mistakes and reduce the amount of discomfort they experience in their daily lives. Wendy Mogul, author of The Blessing of a B Minus writes that “Our instincts are to overprotect [our children], to overindulge them, to over-schedule them and to fight their battles for them. But that deprives them of the most critical learning they need to do.”

As a parent, it can be agony to see your child struggle. Whether it’s learning a new skill, making new friends or deal with an unpleasant situation, there will always be times when the best thing you can do as a parent is to take a step back and allow your child to struggle in order to succeed. Mogul advocated what she calls compassionate detachment — you detach from the specific moment, but you don’t detach from the child.  She believes that you have to recognize that kids can’t be good problem solvers unless they have problems to solve. They have to make dumb mistakes to get smart. As a parent, you need to be attentive, but not alarmed. So there is definitely involvement, but not an anxious hovering.

How and When To Step Aside

  • Wait it out: Often, a problem arises quickly and can fizzle out just as quickly. By waiting a bit to see which direction the situation takes, you are giving your child the ability to react appropriately or come to you for help.
  • Be compassionate but not entangled: Show interest in the problem and be kind but don’t sound the alarm immediately. Sometimes, giving your child some time to vent and talk about what’s going on will allow them to create their own solutions.
  • Show some faith: By allowing your child to problem-solve and try to figure out solutions, they will become confident in their own ability to solve their own problems.
  • Normalize feelings of frustration: By letting your child know that it’s okay to feel frustrated and angry, you are validating their feelings without offering solutions, again demonstrating your confidence in your child’s ability to take care of themselves.
  • Encourage your child to seek help: Teach kids to problem-solve with other adults, like coaches or teachers, instead of you always running to their aid.
  • Distinguish dramas from emergencies: If a situation is one where you would consider calling 911, or if it looks like it is starting to get out of control, definitely intervene. Otherwise, learn to your gauge your child’s demeanor to distinguish situations that are ordinary or out-of-control.

Raising self-reliant children is an essential life skill children need in order to grow into well-developed adults. Self-reliant children have increased confidence in their own abilities, the capacity to see struggles through and the capability to work for what they want. I promise, one day they’ll thank you for it!

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